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Sex with zombies: the problem with zombophilia

Descent into a zombie den.
Descent into a zombie den.
Photo by Mr. J Doe on

There is a growing disturbing trend among those involved with Boulder's sexual fringe scene: fornication with the living dead. "Zombophiliacs" say that with their actions they are getting the greatest thrill of life and death, all while sidestepping the issue of STDs. They can "have their cake and eat it too." They could not be more wrong.

There are many problems with zombophilia, first and foremost: Ewww.

Second, it's difficult to isolate a single zombie for their purposes. They are not like vampires, which walk alone (and actually hold sex appeal). Where there is one, there will be more. Ever heard the term "zombie horde?" In order to find a zombie to suit their purposes, zombophiliacs have to go into the zombie den. This is recommended by Boulder zombophiliac "Mrs. Watson" (a pseudonym) above the alternative, which is having the zombies come to you. "If that happens," says Mrs. Watson, who has been arrested four times for desecration of graves in Boulder area cemeteries, "you'll find yourself playing by their rules, and the only fun to be had then comes from a flame-thrower. There was also that one time I ran into the zombie master," Mrs. Watson adds. "That was no fun."

Zombophiliacs often seek out their first experiences alone, an act which has a mortality rate of 97%. However, as there are relatively few zombie dens in Boulder (three, Mrs. Watson claimed, though she would not disclose their locations) zombophiliacs inevitably run into one another. In this way a community has formed, sharing stories, supporting each another, and even organizing "zorgies," in which they assist one another with the more dangerous aspects of their obsession.

Mrs. Watson claims that the danger of possibly being torn limb from limb, or consumed while alive and screaming, in the process of restraining and mounting a zombie, is part of the thrill.

"Heathcliff dug Cathy up from the grave," Mrs. Watson said. "That's real love. The kind that death can't stop."

When given the information that zombism is actually a contagious disease, and asked whether she now intended to stop her sexual pursuit of those infected, Mrs. Watson got a disturbing gleam in her eyes and had to leave the room.

Zombophilia is not an alternative to abstinence. It is dangerous, disrespectful of the dead, and disgusting.


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