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Sex with the Ex

When a relationship ends, some people say “When I’m done, I’m done!” But others may dwell in the gray area between “together” and “not together.” This gray area generally includes sex of some kind - and usually there’s only one person who initiates it; the dumper or the dumpee. Usually if the dumper does it, it’s because he/she feels guilty or misses the intimacy that only sex can provide. When the dumpee initiates sex, it’s generally in an attempt to show the ex what he/she is missing. But whether it's an attempt to manipulate an ex into getting back together, or just trying to “scratch an itch,” sex with the ex can be a confusing act and it should not be considered lightly.

Dumper: If you have just dumped the love of your life, the loneliness can eat at you. It’s tough to not be able to pick up the phone and talk to your former best friend about the great events in your life. It’s tough to watch movies and not have your ex on the couch to cuddle up next to you. Plus, it’s hard to deal with the guilt that breaking up causes – especially if he/she is still trying to contact you in hopes of getting back together. And so one night you get really lonely, call your ex and ask if you can come over. You know what you’re going to do, but you’re not sure why you’re doing it. So hold up a minute. Here are some things to consider:

  • Guilt. If you feel guilty now, then how are you going to feel after you’ve had sex and he/she realizes that you still don’t want to get back together? Your ex will feel angry and used. Isn’t it better for your ex if you just let things go?
  • Consequences. What if you get (or get her) pregnant? What if he/she has been sleeping with someone else - sloppy seconds anyone? What if her new boyfriend/girlfriend finds out and tries to beat you up or ruin your reputation?
  • Truth. Are you going to tell him/her that you want this with no strings attached? Do you think he/she will believe you, or do you know that he/she wants more, but you’re only concerned with your own selfish desires?

Dumpee: If you’ve just been dumped, then no doubt your ego is shot, your feelings are hurt and you’d probably do anything to turn back time. You probably lie in bed and imagine all of the intimate times you had with your ex and you feel frustrated. If only you could get him/her back in bed – then he/she would realize exactly what he/she’s missing and come back to you immediately. Right? And so you pick up the phone and leave your ex a sexy voicemail – saying that you’d really like to see him/her. And if you’re a girl, you’ll wear something sexy in hopes that you’ll seduce him without even saying a word. Be careful if you’re going down this road. Here are some things to consider:

  • Intentions. Are you doing this because you just want to “scratch the itch?” Your ex knows your body and maybe you haven’t dated anyone else and you’re not even ready to feel anyone else’s touch. Or maybe you just miss your ex so much that you will do anything to re-open the lines of communication. Consider your true intentions before you invite your ex into your bed.
  • Feelings. Is sleeping with your ex going to make you feel great? Or is it going to make you feel great for 2 minutes and then invite anxiety, worry and self-loathing into your life?
  • Truth. Are you going to tell him/her that you want this with no strings attached, even though you know full well that you intend to tie as many strings to it as possible? Be honest with yourself and then be honest with your ex.

No matter whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, you’re going to have mixed feelings after sex with an ex. If you went into it with no strings attached and with no desires other than immediate physical satisfaction, then you’re probably good. But your partner may not be and you may end up hurting him/her even more than when you initially broke up. Consider all of the variables before you decide to sleep with your ex. And no matter what, use a condom!

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