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Sex: How soon is too soon?


Photo by Robert Couse-Baker []

Warning:  The Social EXchange theory applies to more than paying for your groceries at Whole Foods.  According to the second edition of “Marriages and Families” by Constance Shehan, the theory expresses, very generally, “motivations for human behavior [that] lie in anticipated costs and rewards.”



If we are honest with ourselves a majority of singles today aren’t “saving themselves” for their so-called other half.  In fact, according to the Sex Survey in the March issue of “Maxim” magazine, a majority of single women don’t even wait more than a month before having sex with someone. 

“Trends in premarital sex in the United States: 1954-2003” is a public health report released in 2007.  In it, it is revealed that 75% of respondents had premarital sex by the age of 20.  The complete report concluded “Almost all Americans have sex before marrying.”

So while the facts stand, a question remains: How soon is too soon?

Performer Steve Harvey authored “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” which was released earlier this year.  Part of what Harvey preaches to women is what he has entitled The Ninety Day Rule.  This rule advocates women enforce a similar policy in relationships that Ford requires of its employees.   Ford’s policy calls for 90 days of devoted employment from new hires before all benefits are given.  Harvey tells women that they, too, should be with a man for at least 90 days before giving him all of her “benefits.”

Perhaps it is safe to say there is no absolute answer to the question of when to bridge the gap between an emotional relationship and a physical one.  Most will undoubtedly have premarital sex and some will even choose to, what I like to call, “sexpedite” the relationship by having sex right away.  Others may slip into a one-night-stand pattern.  Even though this lifestyle choice is still on society’s taboo list, it doesn’t make it uncommon.  But, believe it or not, there are some pure souls who are saving intercourse until they are inter…married.

Jumping into bed can ruin a relationship; however, if that stands as fact, I whole-heartedly believe sex also has the power to achieve the opposite: enhancement of a relationship.  Someone smart once told me you have to know, appreciate and love a person’s mind before you can know, appreciate and love their body.  So, I’d advise to be sure you truly know the person you are planning to sleep with, at the very least.  I would say this takes a little more than a few hours at a noisy bar, eh?


  • Chicago Spirits Examiner (Chuck Cowdery) 5 years ago

    So, that line about loving your mind first. Did it work?

  • Victor--Seattle Singles Scene 5 years ago

    You have to know, appreciate, and love people's mind before you can know, appreciate and love their body? You must be talking to women Kate. Most guys don't have to adore a gal's mind first ha ha! Playboy's been a cultural icon for 50+ years, spawning a few copycat magazines and launching their own cable TV channel and satellite radio channel. Suffice it to say, Playboy is still a hit because most guys aren't tuning into a gal's mind when he meets her, unless she's a plain Jane or mother hen with little or no eye candy on display. In that case, most guys in major metropolitan areas aren't going to stick around for 90 days anyway! But if she puts eye candy on display to stick out from the bevy of cute chic city girls, she has to expect most guys are going to be curious what she looks like disrobed. And she has to assume if they're cute and charming they aren't going to remain celibate for 90 days waiting for her to lower her guard.

  • John 3 years ago

    I am a guy,
    Older, married, divorced, various girlfriends over time
    It all gets down to what kind of relationship you want.
    A long term relationship does need more than appreciation of your partners looks and ability in bed.
    But it is not all about the mind either.
    It is more feelings... Values...
    So he or she is great in bed, but is a liar and a cheater
    or does drugs
    or is abusive
    or can not hold a job
    or or or or

    LEARN about who you are with..

    yeah, If you are looking for sex - jump into bed ...
    But don't expect much too happen long term.
    Sex clouds judgement.
    Which is what it is supposed to do.
    Sex too soon has a very real chance of killing things.

    Yep - good sex rocks!!!