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There is an age old debate as to whether sex too soon ruins a potential relationship.
In addition there are concerns about how we may be perceived in the eyes of the other person if we pursue sexual relations early on or if we agree to have sex at their suggestion. Last but not least there is the fear of finding out something we dislike about an individual or the prospect of having the relationship suddenly fizzle after we have had sex which causes us to regret our actions.
The Value History of Cookies & Bananas
Not long ago comedian Steve Harvey wrote a book in which he referred to the female sex organ as being the “cookie”. For the purpose of this article I will refer to the male sex organ as the "banana". Historically our society or rather man has placed a higher value on the cookie than the banana. Women were completely dependent upon men for all the necessities of life which gave them a strong incentive to avoid falling out of favor with the wishes of the male.
Women were shut out of meaningful employment which would have paid them higher salaries and allowed them the possibility to become independent. They were also not allowed to vote in elections. A woman’s best shot at climbing the social and economic ladder was to attract a well to do gentleman. Men by nature are territorial and a woman who had not slept with another man was valued higher than a woman who had. Both the mother and father would instill the belief in their little girls that their cookie was something very valuable and should be shared only with the man who married them.
By contrast a little boy’s banana was for the most part worthless. After all he was expected to make his own way in the world. He would grow up to become a “competitor” to other men and therefore was not seen as anyone “special” in the eyes of other men. A man’s economic fate or social status was not tied to the use of his banana. If men did not place much value on bananas it was only natural for women to follow their lead.
It is speculation that prostitution may have initially come about when some women were forced to take care of themselves due to the death of men in their family or their inability to attract men of quality for marriage. Although men condemned prostitutes they paid them handsomely for their services. Today prostitution is tied to drugs, financial desperation, and in other instances a career choice. Some women have made lots of money as high priced escorts and madams running a sex business.
The 1960s would give birth to the counter culture, sexual revolution, “free love”, better birth control methods for women, and the beginning of a major push to give women higher salaries and better career opportunities. Financial independence made it possible for many women to view themselves as being sexually equal to men. Naturally many men welcomed these women’s attitude towards sexual freedom. However to this day there is an outcry among some groups of men and women who long for the old days and are sadden by the deflation of the cookie.
The debate rages on whether or not women can truly be sexually equal to men. Some people have speculated that it is natural for women to attach to men they have sex with due to oxytocin. However if this were completely true there would be no prostitutes, porn stars, or women who commit infidelity.
Another debate has to do with which gender has the higher sex drive or enjoys sex the most. The assumption has always been that it is men in both instances. However this does not take into account that women were historically discouraged from openly admitting they loved sex. In fact some women were tried as witches during the Salem Witch trials because of their libido. Only time will tell if there is a true gender difference in sex drives or if it is merely based upon the individual. Not long ago a female sexologist used the analogy of someone having an itch in their ear and inserting their finger to massage it. She asked the question: Which feels better afterwards the ear or the finger?
Agendas & Expectations
The reason why one elects to have sex oftentimes affects how they feel about it afterwards.
If one were hoping it would elicit the emotion of love, loyalty, and commitment from their mate and the results did not pan out many women in particular will attribute it to “giving up the cookie too soon.”
To my knowledge no man has ever blamed a failed relationship attempt on the fact that he gave up the banana too soon. Anyone who has sex for the first time with someone with the expectation of something beyond having an orgasm is risking potential disappointment. Even those women who are just looking to have an orgasm are often disappointed. The size of the banana and the skill of it's owner does matter to lots of women.
Calendar Games and Sexual Incompatibility
The primary strategy behind waiting to have sex beyond getting to know someone better is the belief that if it happens after there has been an (emotional investment) by both parties sexual chemistry between them will be a “given” and if it’s not the couple will feel obligated to stay together regardless. The calendar game has led many young men to behave like they were falling in love in order to have sex. Afterwards they may not elect to continue the relationship which often causes women to say, “He got what he wanted.”
However sometimes it is the complete opposite. No one craves "seconds" if they were unimpressed with desert the first time around. One of the hardest things to do is let go of someone you have had “mind blowing sex” with. People have been known to come back over and over again to be with someone who they knew was not right for them simply because the sex was off the charts. Some planned one night stands end up becoming regular “booty calls”. It is also true that many one night stands or short-term relationships are the result of sexual incompatibility. One last thing about calendar games; people often make "exceptions" to their own rules!
Vacations are notorious for bringing out the wildness in people. The further away from home they are the more daring they become! The 90 day or even the three date rules fade by the wayside in a heartbeat. Strong physical attraction mixed with alcohol and horniness have also been known to lead to exceptions.
Who and why is more important than when
Ladies, having sex with a great guy will not turn him into an a-hole nor will having sex with an a-hole turn him into a great guy. Be true to yourself. Only you know what is right for you. Who you have sex with is much more important than when you have sex. There have been many couples who have had sex the first night they met and went on to get married and there have been many people who had sex the first night they met and never laid eyes on one another again. There have also been couples who waited to have sex and later watched their relationships dissolve for other reasons.
Sex should be viewed as a "mutual shared experience" and not as something the woman gave to a man because he earned it. You should only have sex because it’s what you want. Not having an agenda or worrying about his opinion of you does away with the feeling of being used in the event it never happens again.
Gentlemen, be aware there are still large groups of women who do not have sex for the purpose of merely satisfying a physical urge. Don’t make the assumption that you both are mentally in the same space. If you aren’t looking to have a “serious relationship” then don’t say or do anything that could be construed otherwise.
Life is a personal journey and you are entitled to live your life on your own terms. Your rules are your rules. There is no right or wrong only agree and disagree. Ultimately the goal is to find someone who shares your same values and naturally agrees with you on the major things in life!