Googling your own name can be illuminating and funny. I found a quote from my Michael Jackson column on a website for hermaphrodites; someone once use an offensive word to describe me because they didn’t agree with my work; and one week I discovered I angered both a gaggle of feminists and mysogynists (a feat I am perversely a bit proud by its sheer improbability).
My first playful thought was, ‘where was I and how did I miss this bit of fun?!’ My second was, ‘Oh no, what if my mother finds out?’ God forbid her eldest get caught in a scandal of ‘poly-amateurish’ proportions, without even being there to enjoy the fruits of the sin. But my deepest, saddest truth was that my words were not fully understood by the person who quoted me. Love and marriage are difficult enough.
Here then, for your readership pleasure, is the quote that got me in steamy trouble. “I gently suggest that we broaden our understanding of what it means to honor love in all its manifestations...for I do submit that holding a space in one’s heart for more than one person isn’t so strange after-all…polyamour is a matter of growing our minds to catch up with what our hearts already comprehend: love knows no boundaries.”
Notice the word, ‘polyamour’. It is a word of my own creation, which I admit is similar to a term becoming trendier these days: polyamory. What is the difference between the two? Polyamour refers only to the feelings of love, whereas polyamory refers to engaging in a sexually intimate relationship with multiple partners (for more in depth definition of polyamory, read Rita Watson).
Modern Love is far more complicated these days. In an effort to honor the growing repertoire of experiences, polyamour describes how we can still hold tender feelings for another person, long past the breakup, and even into our next relationship. But that doesn’t have to threaten our love or our morals. It doesn’t diminish the feelings for either lover, past or present. It simple accepts, as is, the deepening experiences of love in all their complicated, magnificent glory.
Given that, I stand by my original column, “Polyamour stretched in this way is a matter of growing our minds to catch up with what our hearts already comprehend: love knows no boundaries.”
Follow me on twitter: ModernLoveWritr. Send questions to tmbsdre@yahoo.com
© 2009 all rights reserved Tinamarie Bernard
Comments
If I'm understand you correctly than, as you intended "polyamory" refers to Multiple loves plus sex, where "polyamour" refers to multiple current loves without sex. Interesting turn on something which is so close in meaning.
As always great insight into the world of modern love!
As a clairfaction of polyamoury vs. polyamour, I find you last paragraph a little odd, I'd say that polyamoury does all those things. Which one are you implying it doesn't do?
Hi Rue,
You are right, the last statement refers to both. Polyamour is really about the heart. It means loving a person emotionally, within the boundaries of 'vanilla' relationships. No sex. No contact. Just love. The idea being that sometimes a relationship doesn't work out, and you both move on, but the tenderness remains. Hope that clarifies. Best/T
I'm not sure your definition of 'your' word actually works, considering on wikipedia 'polyamoury' redirects to 'polyamory' as an alternate spelling; 'polyamour' is also the french version of 'polyamory'.
Think I found the perfect theme song for polyamory - "Sex is not the Enemy" by Garbage.
search for it on youtube.
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