Seven steps to ending a meltdown

No matter how attached and mild mannered your child is, eventually you're going to deal with a meltdown or two.  The best way to deal with meltdowns is to prevent them from happening in the first place, but that's not always possible. 

When you're faced with an out of control child, here's the steps to take to help make things right again.

1.  Remove your child from the source of upset and from onlookers.  It's crucial to immediately go someplace without distractions or an audience.  If it's not possible to leave entirely, take your child to an out of the way corner where you can get down to his level and speak quietly.

2.  Calm yourself first.  You'll be unable to help him if you're out of control yourself.  Say nothing, breathe deeply and remember that this isn't a reflection on your parenting or an attack on you.  It's not about you at all.  Your job is to help your child manage his emotions, and you need to manage yours to be able to do that. 

3.  Put his feelings into words and tell him his options.  It's important to teach children to communicate their feelings (and to allow them) and to teach them how to handle them in a healthy way.  Say things like "You're mad that you can't use Benji's toy.  (Pause)  It looks like a really fun toy and you want to play with it.  (Pause)  Benji's mom says it's special and she's taken it so it doesn't get broken.  I'm sorry, but you cannot use Benji's toy.  (Pause)  You can play with the other toys here or we can go home."  Too many words at once or said too quickly will just create more noise, so talk as slowly as necessary and give lots of time for your child to answer, agree, disagree and state his feelings.

4.  Be empathetic.  Even if you are the one who has caused the meltdown, you are still your child's ally.  Let  him know you feel bad that he's sad and/or angry.  Speak softly and lovingly (though firmly).  Meltdowns generally escalate because children don't feel heard and feel like they're in a power struggle.  This is a type of tug-of-war and if you don't pull back, it eliminates much of the conflict.

5.  Wait.  You do not need to say more at this point.  You do not need to offer bribes, repeat yourself, threaten your child, try to reason with him or otherwise complicate things.  You can occasionally repeat his feelings and his options, but mostly your job is to be a calm, loving presence and to keep him removed from the situation until he is back in control of himself.

6.  Offer a distraction.  Sometimes children get so caught up in their anger that they feel that calming down would mean letting you "win."  You should not frequently use distraction as a way of dealing with upset children, since it teaches them to stifle their emotions and it doesn't really address problems.  That said, once you have worked through the steps above, it can give kids an "out" of the unpleasantness if you use humor or offer up something fun to do instead.  Some parents use gentle joking or act silly, while others just offer up something fun to do.  The other day, I sat down near my angry three-year-old and opened up a fun library book at this point.  Within seconds he had scooted closer to me, sniffled and leaned on my arm.  When I gently asked if he'd like me to read it, he said yes and it helped us both move on.

7.  Offer a hug and return to the situation.  Once your child is in control of himself again, ask if he's ready to go back to the original environment (or move on to another choice he's chosen).  Be sure to offer him a hug (some kids may not want one, some may really need one) and let him know you love him. 

These basic steps will get you through the meltdown and will also help teach your child how to handle himself for next time.  The sooner you can remove your child from the situation and start to diffuse it, the better.

Some children have a harder time dealing with their emotions than others.  Don't take it as a reflection on your parenting if your child is one of these.  These children especially need parents who can firmly and lovingly guide them through their "emotional storms" without turning them into battles. 

Some children also go through difficult times on a different schedule than others.  They may sail through the toddler years without a single tantrum, and then have a really volatile period when they're four or eight or twelve.  The basic steps will work at any age.

Remember, in most cases your child is doing something completely age appropriate (though not necessarily appropriate for the situation!) and this is a learning opportunity for him. The better you handle each individual episode, the fewer episodes you'll have in his childhood.

Want some local AP support? 

United Way of SW Minnesota keeps up a Parenting Blog with insights from Barbara Colorosa.  The St. Peter/Mankato AP Playgroup is a fun way to connect with other AP families locally.

See also:

• Attachment Parenting 101: How do I avoid tantrums?
• Attachment Parenting 101: Ten reasons "crying it out" is bad for babies
• Attachment Parenting 101: What to do instead of spanking
• Attachment Parenting 101: What should I do if my child talks back?
• Attachment Parenting 101: What do I do if my toddler hits me?
• Attachment Parenting 101: The troublesome times checklist
• Dealing with parenting know-it-alls
• Do you know your real discipline goals?
• The power of choices with children
• New studies show spanking lowers I.Q.
• Natural consequences for parents
• The myth of perfect children
• Books that help you be a better (and happier!) parent
• Sensory Integration activities to help kids calm down

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