It's Christmas Eve, and tonight children across the country will be waiting for Santa Claus to shimmy down the chimney and hand off a whole bunch of free things. Today, however, it's the adults who are spending their time preoccupied with the big man.
Every year around this time, there are stories you expect. NORAD is running its annual Santa Tracker, which oversees Santa's trip around the world. Conservatives and liberals are mired in the yearly dust up over Santa Claus' race (who cares, people?!). Even with those two stories in the mix, it's still been a very busy year for the man from the North Pole.
He's gotta get funding somewhere
In Florida on Monday, Santa Claus walked into a bank with a package wrapped in festive paper and tied with a bow. He placed the "gift" in front of a teller, demanded money, and then walked out with an undetermined sum. The bank was immediately evacuated, the bomb squad was called in, and the package was discovered to contain … well, they won't say, but it definitely wasn't dangerous.
Santa takes one in the back
An incident in Washington D.C. saw a black Santa Claus shot with a pellet gun as he walked through an impoverished neighborhood handing out gifts. The shot appeared to have come from a second story window near the scene, but the assailant and his or her motivation have not been determined. Santa Claus will apparently be just fine, but he was taken to the hospital just in case. A volunteer dressed as the Grinch completed handing out gifts, marking the second time Suess' green crabapple has saved the holiday.
Santa vs. personal responsibility
Two Santa Clauses were spotted in the WWE earlier in the week, as a musclebound (black) Santa, played by Mark Henry, tried to stop another musclebound (white) Santa Claus, played by Damien Sandow, from promoting personal responsibility and cancelling Christmas. You can check out TheWire.com's flimsy attempt to call this a victory for liberals right here. News flash: there are no victories for liberals in the WWE. Besides, I'm sure that it has nothing to do with the fact that Mark Henry has positively charming victory smile.
Macy's secret Santa
And finally, Macy's "special" black Santa has gone public. Apparently, Macy's - which has several Santa Clauses stationed around the store - has employed a black Santa for several years. To get an audience with this Santa, one must sit in the normal two hour line and then ask for the "special Santa." There's no overt advertising for the man, he simply appears upon request.
No judgement there, either way, but when questioned about the existence of the "special Santa," one Macy's employee used a sound bite that might be my favorite interpretation of the old saint: "At Macy's," she said. "We have upheld the tradition and believe in our hearts that there is only one Santa Claus, and that Santa is all things to all people who believe in the spirit and goodness of Santa." After all, isn't the Santa Claus we all believe in the kind who's magic?