For an article series this week, I recently asked some questions of a few of my fellow sex-bloggers who are in Open Relationships. The subject is Compersion, the ability to take genuine pleasure in your partner's pleasure, sexual or otherwise. It is a buzzword in the poly community and a concept that many strive to learn. Compersion can actually substitute for fear and jealousy, when implemented genuinely, thus creating a dynamic within the partnership that lends itself towards success.
Goose, the blogger over at Living In Outlaw Territory is married to Gander. They have two kids and are polyamorous. Her blog is about how they manage their Open Marriage, written in a philosophical and dry-witted style that is very difficult to turn away from. Read just one post and I guarantee you will be hooked.
Here is the conversation I had with Miss Goose ~
Sadie - What is your experience (if any) with compersion? Is it a mindset that you utilize in your relationship with Gander? If so, did compersion come naturally for you or was it something that you had to learn?
Goose - Compersion is a hard feeling to describe, but once you've gotten there, (even if the feeling doesn't last), you want more. While I do think the parallels with feeling a kind of everyday happiness for one's partner's happiness exist, having a feeling of compersion for your partner while they are exploring sexually/romantically really felt different to me. I agree with the Francis quote, "Right inside the jealous episode is a fiery core of erotic passion. It may surprise you how good it feels, and if you get there, you can be sure you're stepping right into compersion."
I could feel good about Gander having a date, or about him feeling loving feelings for his partner, but I still had those jealous feelings. It wasn't until I actually witnessed a private loving moment between them, that I saw his happiness with her. I could literally feel it and it really nearly blew my head off. I could see them loving and wanting each other, and I felt sort of ... outside of myself, and pleased and proud for both of them. It was a powerful moment; it was sharp and acute, but it left lingering feelings of happiness in me that helped me through the other bumps to come.
So, I think I had to learn it, or at least be open to getting knocked down by it, and then learn how to conjure it up. While I think I've always feel happiness for him and for our friends in their successes, this was different.
Sadie - Do your other (past or present) partners feel compersion in regards to you and your relationships with each of them?
Goose - I don't know. I don't think I ever really heard someone say, "Goose! I"m feeling compersion", but I do think Gander felt it for me, and I suspect my other lovers wanted happiness for me, too.
Sadie - I personally don't believe that compersion is necessary for the success of an open relationship, but agree with Tristan Taormino, who says that it can "enhance" a relationship. What is your opinion?
Goose - Well, I suppose I don't think it has to exist in order for the relationship to succeed, but I will say I think the chances are better for success and blooming if the partners in the relationship can truly enjoy the other's bliss. I think if I was always miserable when Gander went out, if I wasn't able to hit those moments of love and pride for him, then I'd probably not manage my feelings about the relationship he had very well. I think perhaps it varies depending on how open with all partners the open relationship is, and also the general experience level of the participants.
Sadie - Thank you, Goose, for your insightful answers. I will see you round the blogosphere!
Stay tuned for more answers from sex-bloggers on the crazy-cool concept of Compersion!
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