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Sacred cows make the best hamburgers

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I don’t eat fast-food very often but when I’m in the mood I like to enjoy a greasy burger loaded with cholesterol made on the flat-top grill. But when I’m searching I will usually drive past the golden arches, the King or that little red-haired girl in pigtails with the freckles. No, there is only one chain that can satisfy my fast-food burger craving.

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The classic Krusty Burger.

Krusty Burger has restaurants throughout the world including one in Paris, France and one on an unmanned off-shore oil platform in the Gulf of Mexico. Krusty Burger is renowned for its use of poor quality ingredients, lack of hygiene, slow service and oil used in the fryers purchased from the Acne Shovel & Grease Co.

Iconic children’s television star Krusty the Clown founded the franchise in 1984 and has taken the chain to numerous fast-food industry awards including the prestigious “Unhealthiest Restaurant in the World” title from GreasyFingers magazine. Reviews from the culinary world have ranged from “Mmm…I don’t even mind the taste.” To “Ewww! I almost swallowed some of the juice!”

Krusty guards his recipes, the secret ingredients in the menu are a close kept secret, but food experts say that they may range from ground children’s zoo animals to tainted barley, kitchen pests and spit. But the recipe for the Krusty Burger is fairly obvious. Here is my take on it. (If ground zoo animal beef, tainted barley and spit are not available feel free to substitute other ingredients.)

Krusty Burger

2- ¼ Lb. 60/40 Beef Patties

4 Slices Cooked Bacon

BBQ Sauce

3 Sesame Seed Buns, Toasted

2 Slices Processed-Flavored American Cheese Slices

Ketchup, Yellow Mustard, Raw Onion and Dill Pickle Slices

Grill the patties using the BBQ sauce as a glaze on each side.

Place one patty on the bottom bun and top with cheese. Place second patty on middle bun and top with cheese and bacon slices. On the top bun squirt ketchup, mustard and arrange onion and pickle and top the burger with it. (No nutritional values could be found for this burger.)

The Krusty Burger menu is not limited to burgers alone. (You can also purchase a Double Krusty Burger or a Deep-fried Krusty Burger). Krusty also offers a Ribwhich Sandwich, Bacon Balls, Whatchamachicken and Frosted Krusty Flakes. The cereal box also comes with a pack of cigarettes as a prize. Do’h! And don’t forget to sample the Kitty Melt Sandwich.

Not to be outdone, a loyal Krusty customer has suggested a new burger offering a twist on the classic burger.

Homer Simpson Burger

2 Jelly Donuts, Glazed

1- ¼ Lb. 60/40 Beef Patty, Cooked Medium Rare

8-10 Slices Bacon, Cooked

8-10 Squirts Cheez Whiz

1 Easy-Over Egg (Optional)

More of a light breakfast sandwich than a late-niter burger.

Pile the patty on to 1 of the donuts and top with bacon. Give it some healthy squirts of Cheez Whiz, top with the egg if using and crown it with the other donut.

When I order a Krusty Burger super-sized combo I get the curly fries but I don’t get the Krusty-Partially Gelatinized-Non-Dairy-Gum Based-Beverage. Too many calories. Instead I go for the Bart Simpson Cocktail at the Krusty Bar, which is in the corner next to the Krusty Salad Bar which is usually empty.

Bart Simpson Cocktail

½ Oz. Crown Royal

½ Oz. Amaretto

½ Oz. Peach Schnapps

Splash of Cranberry Juice

Crushed Ice

Toss everything in a Squishee cup from the Kwik-E-Mart and enjoy.

Check out the video and slideshow for some more interesting Krusty facts.

Kowabunga everybody!

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