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Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson: Get out of my dreams and into my DVR

Robbie Woliver & Kenny Herzog's photo
Entertainment Reviews Examiner

CELEBRITY DREAM REVIEW: The elfin Idol host and elder-statesman judge have managed to consume both my primetime viewing and unconscious visions.

By Kenny Herzog

Once in a while, REVIEWniverse plumbs its unconscious pop-culture mind and dissects its celebrity dreams for a feature we like to provocatively call Celebrity Dream Review (cue "Dream Weaver" soundtrack and groovy '70s graphics). And for this installment, we break down what it means when two of American Idol's most familiar faces invade seven hours of our precious unconventional-beauty sleep.

THE SETTING: An unnamed restaruant in Washington, D.C. Also, my brain.
 
THE PARTICIPANTS: Randy Jackson, Ryan Seacrest (referred to in this dream, for some reason, as Andy), myself, my wife Colleen, two of our mutual friends and two old friends of mine from college whom I haven't seen in years.
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THE STORYLINE: Randy and Andy (natch, Ryan) are a gay power couple. Fresh off the renewed success of Idol, they are testing out a concept for their new dating show, in which they sit at the head of table while two single ladies (i.e. said mutual friends of my wife and I) unsuspectingly greet their fellow diners-cum-suitors for the evening (the aforementioned university-era pals). Andy/Ryan, sporting a Sanjaya-like super-gelled hairdo, trades catty barbs with Randy while I exchange uncharacteristically macho fist-pounds and complex high fives with my long-lost chums. The dream concludes with me ostensibly turning the scenario on its head, transforming it into a glorified dual mandate with my buddies, flustering Andy/Ryan and Randy, and upsetting my wife enormously.
 
IF THIS DREAM WERE A MOVIE, IT WOULD BE: Any dinner-party flick ever made by affluent white people.
 

WHAT THIS DREAM SAYS ABOUT ITS DREAMER: That my genuine admiration for Ryan Seacrest is expressing itself in very strange ways, and I clearly have no idea what attracts one man to another. Also, I need attention. And hopefully got it by seducing thousands of you into reading this review.

IN OTHER WORDS: They say to avoid feeding mogwais after midnight, not to eat pickles or peanut butter before bed or to watch scary movies late in the evening. I think it's time to add, "Make sure to watch four hours of ESPN after your sixth hour of American Idol in three days. Rinse. Repeat."

WTF? CELEBRITY DREAM RATING: 7/10

I MISS COLLEGE RATING: 4.0/10

Visit our archive at the soon-to-be re-designed REVIEWniverse.com.

©REVIEWniverse 2011

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"Hey, hey, you, you...."
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Entertainment Reviews Examiner reviews and rates all of pop culture. ROBBIE WOLIVER is an award-winning journalist and New York Times Bestselling author who was a columnist at Newsday, writer at The New York Times, Sr. editor at Village Voice's LI edition and editor in chief at Long Island Press....

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