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Russia says, "I'll find something else to eat, thank you"

Comfort food comforts Russian tastes
Comfort food comforts Russian tastes

Announcing it can exist on potatoes and beets alone, Russia has banned meat, fish, dairy and fruit and vegetable imports to retaliate against Western sanctions for promulgating an on-going civil war in Ukraine.

Announcing the ban at a cabinet meeting Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev, said the ban would not apply to snack foods like Oreos, Nutella and the Cinnabon. “We really need our comfort foods.”

He explained, “The Russian version, a potato Cinnabon, or the ‘PotatoBon’ was not a big seller despite their ‘stick to the ribs until spring thaw quality’ although it was a favorite after those late night judo sessions with Putin. Packing on the carbs is an everyday thing for us. We’re hardy.

If we have potatoes, we’ll have vodka, if we have beets, we’ll have borscht. It won’t be so bad” he said.

The decision to arrest Pussy Riot was a lot easier to make. Their music sucked” he added “Russians will just have to drink more, if that’s possible, to forget the fact that we won’t have all those other things.”

Mr Medvedev said the sanctions could be reviewed if western countries displayed a constructive approach to cooperation. “In other words, just look the other way like when your toilet didn’t work in Sochi.”

There was an immediate twitter backlash and when thousands tried to ‘unfriend’ Vladimir Putin, they were directed to“WTF?” said Yuri Kissmiasokof, “We can’t even go to”

But Russian policy makers have dismissed suggestions the embargo could hurt ordinary Russians, insisting that they could eat every other day, lose weight and save money by giving up their membership to Jenny Craig.

Putting a positive spin on the sanctions Mr Medvedev said the move would “clear shelves for domestic producers” like ‘Igor’s Meatless Meat Pies’ and Little Dunia’s Gingerless Bread Cookies’.

Russia intends to compensate by increasing meat imports from China where the standards for cleanliness are just 2 steps below a no stars rated restaurant in Whatamidoingheresitan.

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