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Rules to eating out in Texas

Status foods are all around us.  They hide in cleverly small containers with strange engravings.  They offer the ideal of a perfect lifestyle settling on a cracker.    Who doesn't want a divine party of truffles and white chocolate?   In times such as these it is necessary to know the rules when eating at an engagement with such foods.

Number 1: Don't try to eat the cherry tomato.

You will try to stab it with your fork, and it will shoot off your plate.

Number 2: Always push your fork away.

The toward motion may make you seem like a desperate eater.

Number 3: If you have something in your mouth you want to take out (i.e bone, fat, etc..)

Retrieve the item with your fork and casually lay it on the outer rim of the plate.

Now that we all know the rules, please forget them. This is Texas and our delicacy is barbecue brisket. Like caviar and oysters laid on top of a saltine, brisket is best served on a five cent piece of white bread with pickles and onions. Sophisticated food is often served with bland food to accentuate the taste. The only difference is the rule structure.

Number 1: You must always open the front door for a lady.

Your grandmother would roll over in her grave if she knew you didn't.

Number 2: Say thank you more than you should.

It's just polite.

Number 3: Don't talk about television, money or drugs.

Sure way to make a cowboy mad.

The two schools of thought don't seem all that different. The oyster eaters may be a bit more practical. If you have friends from out of state and they don't know about Texas barbecue, invite them down. Just make sure that they understand the rules.

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This is sophomoric, I know. I'll try to do better.

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