Rick Perry is not fit to be president of the United States.
In fact he is apparently not fit to be a guest in my house. I hereby demand that the Republican Party renounce him now and quickly throw this so-called candidate out of the race, revealed as the utter fraud that he obviously is.
No, it’s not due to his politics. It is true that I voted for Barack Obama in the last election. But it’s also true that like a lot of Obama’s former supporters I am less than thrilled with the direction the country has taken since then, and am far from overwhelmed at the president’s performance.
I am not particularly pleased with any of the GOP alternatives either, but I think that just puts me alongside a lot of other folks in the country who don’t know exactly who the heck to vote for to get us out of this mess.
But I know one thing. I’ll never vote for Texas “Governor” Rick Perry as president…and that decision is both easy to make and based firmly on the divine principle that the commander in chief of the United States of America must have a least a minimum amount of decorum and taste.
Rick Perry has neither one. How do I know?
Barbecue.
According to "Holy Smoke: The Big Book of North Carolina Barbecue," a comprehensive and near-Biblical scale book about the great culinary art and history of our delicious pork manna from heaven published in 2008, Rick Perry tried some good ol’ Eastern Carolina BBQ in 1992…served to him from our very own King's of Kinston via the Republican National Convention in Houston.
Upon tasting King’s Eastern NC-style BBQ Perry, then a promising young Texas politician who was not yet called the “governor,” was asked how he liked it.
“I've had road kill that tasted better than that,” Perry was quoted as saying.
And that, as we say in NC, is all y’all. This man is done as a candidate for any office beyond dog catcher, and I would not lower myself to vote him into even that post now.
Road kill? Really, “governor.”
Rick Perry might as well have told us that “ain’t” ain’t a word, or that Dale Earnhardt is not the most important sports figure of the last century (excepting possibly Michael Jordan, another Carolina boy), or that tea can be made without using sugar (yeah, right), or that Andy Griffith wasn’t the best fictional sheriff in the long and glorious tradition of fictional sheriffs.
Eastern NC BBQ is made from pork, always with a vinegar-based sauce, and is eternally delicious in all of its various forms and servings, of which there are many variations but none that vary too far from the source.
Gosh darn it, Eastern NC BBQ tastes great. It’s like sunshine on a rainy day, or a perky kiss from a pretty girl, or the dance of a catfish hanging on the end of your line.
Eastern NC BBQ is great. Rick Perry, the “governor” of Texas, is an idiot.
Rick Perry is supposed to be a devout man of God. When I first heard about that, it did not bother me at all as a voter. Having a firm basis in faith and religion is a fine thing in a presidential contender, in my opinion. Nothing wrong with a guy who goes to Church going into the White House.
But now I have my doubts that Perry is religious at all. No, I have met Billy Graham, “Governor” Perry, and Billy Graham (yet another fine NC son) was as devoutly religious a person as you could find on the face of the Earth. And you, sir, are no Billy Graham.
Billy Graham loved NC BBQ. Heck, “Gov” Perry, you are not even a Jerry Faircloth, a less reputable native Virginia man-of-God who may not have been the best preacher ever but at least had the good sense to stuff his face with Eastern NC style BBQ every gosh-darned chance he got.
That’s because if there was ever any spiritual creation in which God has communicated his love to us all and showed his blessing through the bounties that Noah preserved in the Ark, it is in the pig…as served up in Eastern NC-style BBQ.
Heck, the Bible of BBQ, “Holy Smoke” has a happy pig with a nice apron on him right there on the dang cover.
I learned in my research for this article that “Governor” Perry prefers something know as Texas-style barbecue. I was a bit unclear on what Texas-style BBQ was so I looked it up (yes, we have computers and the internet in NC, “Gov” Perry).
What I found out was as hilarious and upsetting as anything I have discovered in research since that time I was writing an article on football and realized that some people over there in Europe have the mistaken and dangerous idea that football is actually soccer.
What did I find out about this Texas-style barbeque? Get this, America. They make it with cows.
Go ahead, roll on the floor in laughter. I did.
Now I have heard that Texans like to drink a lot, and I guess it must be true, because only a state full of drunken cowboys could come up with the crazy idea that you make BBQ out of cows.
People of America, you make steaks out of cows. Read my lips, BBQ comes from a gosh-darned pig.
Of course, in NC we have the good sense not to actually eat “road kill,” which is apparently a dish that “Governor” Perry is intimately familiar with. I don’t plan to be dining in a Texas restaurant anytime soon after hearing that news.
Also in NC we know all about politicians making big mistakes. In fact, we recently had our own candidate for president, Carolina born “Senator” Johnny Edwards.
Johnny, the son of NC mill worker, was a great presidential candidate with high hopes, until it was discovered that he had cheated on his wife (who had cancer) while fathering a love child (whom he tried to pass off on a staff worker) which he tried to cover up with campaign contributions (a plan that failed miserably).
Everybody in NC readily admits that our home-grown candidate, ol’ Johnny boy, screwed up. In fact, he screwed up so bad that even though he has no future shot at any elected office beyond the aforementioned dog catcher (who has that awful job anyway, poor soul?).
Johnny has even riled up federal investigators to the point that they want to introduce him to a new love interest…penitentiary cellmate Bubba, with whom Johnny will certainly not father a love child but may very well have sexual relations.
But at least Johnny Edwards loved NC BBQ. I know. I campaigned for the guy before I found out he was a dirty rotten liar (really, who would have seen that coming from a smart, slick, millionaire lawyer?). Johnny always had BBQ at his campaign events. As a candidate he fizzled spectacularly, but I got to eat a lot of free Eastern-style BBQ, so I basically called it a win.
Rick Perry has made Johnny Edwards look like the poster boy of proper presidential candidates. Because you can have a mistress, you can have a love child, and you can even misuse campaign funds to cover it all up. All we’ll do when we find out is turn you over to the feds, and perhaps to Bubba.
But you do not call Eastern NC BBQ “road kill.”
If Rick Perry wants to bring his campaign to the Carolinas we, of course, won’t reject him. We’ll welcome him with good ol’ southern hospitality. We’ll even show him how to cook real barbeque, not with a cow (Lord have mercy) but with a pig.
And I know just the pig we’ll roast. “Governor” Perry.
Jeffrey Weeks is a NC newspaper columnist. He posts a blog that contains many articles about southern recipes at A Dash of Salty.
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