Review: 'Piranha 3D' is trashy, gory, and one of the summer's most entertaining movies

This weekend, one of the most gory, trashy, ridiculous movies released this year hits theaters: Piranha 3D is all of those things, to be sure, but it's also some of the most fun that you're likely to have in a theater this summer.  Director Alexandre Aja (The Hills Have Eyes, Haute Tension) has crafted something that's the cinematic equivalent of a Big Mac and fries with an extra-large shake: it's certainly bad for you, but man, it tastes good going down.  Read on for our full reviews, my gentle Examiner readers...

I didn't expect much out of Piranha 3D, and that's exactly what I got in return, but that's not to say that the film isn't worth your time and money this weekend.  After teasing us with silly, gory trailers all summer, Alexandre Aja's film is finally in theaters, and there's no doubt that it's one of the silliest, bloodiest, gratuitous nude-iest films that you could possibly watch in a theater this year.  But it's also a nearly-perfect summer confection: all sugar, no vitamins.  Besides, it's moved me to coin a new term: "Gore-gy" (as in "Gore" plus "Orgy").  How many other films have you seen this year that've inspired new words?  I loved Inception, but I didn't add to my vocabulary with it.

The film's plot is almost besides the point: Teenage Jake (I think that was his name; these things don't matter, though, trust me) is charged with babysitting his two younger siblings while his Sheriff mother-- played here by a looking-good-for-her-age Elisabeth Shue-- patrols Lake Victoria during the peak of Spring Break.  Little do they know, however, that an earthquake has opened up a seam in the bottom of the lake that's released an underground lake's worth of carnivorous, angry, 3D piranha who have the worst attitudes you've ever seen.  All these elements are brought together, and a Gore-gy ensues.  That's it: it's all over in less than 85 minutes.

But no one is going to buy a ticket for Piranha 3D hoping for excellence in story-telling.  What we're hoping to see are (in no particular order): bare breasts, man-eating fish eating men, and buckets of blood.  Say what you will about the crappy plot-- and it is incredibly crappy (no fish puns intended)-- but the film delivers these three things in nearly every frame.  Additionally, there's an extended series of shout-outs to Jaws that played out throughout the film, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that they've crafted these shout-outs so thoroughly, the film could nearly be claimed as a relative of that franchise. 

Don't believe me?  Richard Dreyfuss shows up in the same outfit he was wearing in Jaws, singing "Show me the way to go home...", fishing, and is later revealed to be named "Matt", the same name his character had in Steven Spielberg's masterpiece.  They practically beat us over the head with the references, but they were awesome to see incorporated here.  There are probably some killjoys out there that'll tell you that these little nods to that shark-centric film are lame or distracting, but killjoys suck and oughtta be tossed into the water with the man-eating piranhas on display here.  Screw 'em: I enjoyed it.

We should also point out-- for the sex-starved readers of the Comedy Examiner's Office-- that there are many, many scenes that feature gratuitous nudity.  One of the film's leading beach-skanks is played by porn actress Riley Steele, for God's sake: you just know she's not going to stay clothed for long.  In a massive, winking nod to the audience, Aja gives us an underwater ballet-- no exaggeration there; what else could one call it?-- between Steele and Kelly Brooke that gives us more full-frontal nudity screentime than some softcore movies you're likely to see on Skinemax.  Had this movie been released when I was 15, Kleenex would probably have to double its production.

Look, you already know if this is your thing or not.  If you're into this kind of mindless trash, you won't be let down.  Watching the idiocy of Piranha 3D for 82 minutes was probably the most ridiculous fun I've had in a movie theater this summer, and I'd highly recommend it for anyone that enjoys, say, films like Wild Things.  If you look down upon a movie like Wild Things, though, you're probably going to want to invest your money in a third helping of Inception.  My rating? A- for trash-hounds, D- for people with no sense of humor/love of gore.

If you've seen the film and have something you wanna say about it, drop it into the comments section below.  We'll also embed the trailer below, but be careful: it turns out that some of the best shots in the movie-- including one used during the last scene-- are spoiled here.  So, if you're not one for having for Gore-gy spoiled, don't bother watching this and just head straight to the theater: