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Review of 'Suicide Girls Must Die'

Imagine your favorite trashy reality show. Now imagine it’s an hour and a half long, uncensored, and there’s only one episode. Still listening? Good. Now imagine the cast is being stalked by a really boring monster who has no sense of purpose. You probably wish you had the last thirty seconds of your life back, no? Now imagine actually watching that mess.

A group of models for the alternative pinup girl website Suicide Girls heads to a remote cabin in the woods of Maine to shoot a calendar. They’re having fun drinking, partying, and being alternative until one of them mysteriously disappears. The shoot goes on as more and more models disappear. Allegiances are formed and broken as bonds forged in the fires of alternativeness are tested by the increasingly eerie situation in which the models find themselves.

Suicide Girls Must Die
doesn’t come across so much as a movie as a film adaptation of a sorority member’s spring break Facebook status updates, interrupted every few minutes by gratuitous T&A when the calendar is being shot. It is billed as the “first reality horror movie,” which apparently means it’s the first horror movie to be shot in the style of a reality TV show. It’s an interesting concept, but the story isn’t really important. This is an hour and a half of promotion for the Suicide Girls website. Consequently, the story part of the movie has lower production values than your average reality show, if that’s even possible. There is abundant evidence from the beginning that it’s fake, not the least of which is the fact that none of the girls ever seems hung over despite constant partying.

If you enjoy naked women with tattoos, piercings, and crazy hairstyles, there’s plenty to enjoy. If you’re looking for a good horror flick, watch something else.

Suicide Girls Must Die is available at the 32nd Street and C Avenue Family Videos and the Collins Road and 16th Avenue Blockbusters.

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