Due to current predicaments, my husband and I have moved back home to Reston Virginia with my parents. This experience has been both an enlightening one, as well as sometimes trying. Don't get me wrong, Reston is a beautiful place to find yourself in, either in a transitional limbo or for keeps. The city itself is well manicured with a plethora of out door activities, trails, functions, and picturesque views. The driving to and fro, on the other hand has been a difficult run so to speak, for both of us, and though there is LINK mass transit, it doesn't quite cover the areas we inevitably need to be.
In any event, Reston, or other areas aside, moving back in with my parents at age 33 was not an easy feat, (even if it is only temporary). Generically, moving back home at any age of adultdom, tends to come with a bunch of snags, especially when you have your spouse in tow. Moving back home as an "Adult Child " brings with it a whole new bag of snafus. For one, a lot of regression takes place: My ego has informed me on many occasions that I have somehow fallen short... 'I should be further along on some proverbial time line, doing something more, somewhere in the midst of succeeding at something.' My pride tells me that 'I am too old for this,' that this is 'embarrassing.' Privacy is not at an all time high, finances have been rather strangling, and fending off fear and anxiety are a daily battle. I regularly have to remind myself that this is just another part of the growing process, and mood is merely based on how I choose my perceptions. Then there's the upwelling of anger, self doubt, self criticism. Old patterns of mixed messages, button pushing, and codependency re-emerge much clearer than when hiding out from afar.
Don't get me wrong, there's always a silver lining... remember with every discomfort comes the solace in knowing that when the merde hits the fan, there's always a method available for cleaning it up.
Essentially, moving home can be a chaotically wonderful blessing: Yes, The skeletons jump jiving mad out of the closet; issues you may have repressed, stuffed or denied become clear and apparent; you may step on toes, say things you never thought'd come out of your mouth; and behave like a prickly adolescent.... HOWEVER, if you can handle the disarray and honestly work on sorting things out, you can learn to properly cure and bury them once and for all. --- The issues, not the parents.
In my experience, if you don't make peace with the people who brought you into this world, the ones who first imprinted upon you, you can not adequately make peace with those rifts within yourself. Think about it - the things that irk you the most in someone else are generally the traits that bring you the most discomfort within yourself. Plus, if you don't work it out with the original source, most likely you'll search for others to replay these same rolls.
Brace yourself: According to Confucian ideals, Filial Piety (Chinese: 孝) is one of the virtues to be held above all else: a respect for the parents and ancestors. Wikipedia states "in somewhat general terms, [that] filial piety means to be good to one's parents; to take care of one's parents; to engage in good conduct not just towards parents but also outside the home so as to bring a good name to one's parents and ancestors; to perform the duties of one's job well so as to obtain the material means to support parents as well as carry out sacrifices to the ancestors; not be rebellious; show love, respect and support; display courtesy; ensure male heirs, uphold fraternity among brothers; wisely advise one's parents, including dissuading them from moral unrighteousness; display sorrow for their sickness and death; and carry out sacrifices after their death."
What does this mean when coming from a dysfunctional family... when a lot of anger and resentment are present. When a parent acted more like a dependent, a vandal, an abuser, or thief? It means to work on forgiving - to work on healing those damaged parts within, and recognize that your parents are fallible, and literally did the best they knew how, even if they fell short of healthy... even very far. Respect does not mean being a doormat for more abuse, nor does it mean kowtowing, groveling or people pleasing. Supporting your parents does not mean giving them money out of guilt or shame. Not rebelling does not mean doing everything they say without question.
Filial Piety - in the absolute sense, means accepting your parents in full, letting go of expectations, looking at them with love and compassion, relinquishing any judgement of them, detaching with love, and allowing room for them to be imperfect. It means working on fulfilling your own needs, and allowing them to just be. If you can isolate issues within them that bring out the worst in you... well then that is a good place to start working on your own personal change. Trust me, most likely their idiosyncrasies lurk beneath your own skin too.
ACOA is a wonderful place to learn to move forward, and relearn new habits and boundaries. It helps break down the family dynamic into manageable chunks, as well as helps chip away resentment and anger. Relationship coaching is a great method too, as having a strong support system from someone who has been there, done that, and come on through the other side, can help you to continually discover and implement new and more fulfilling possibilities for your own life and relationships.
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*** For advice about Keeping Romance Alive while Dating for (almost) Free [while living with your parents].... click here
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