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Replica of UT Tower to kill us all!


Photo: H2Orange Press Kit

      In Austin, people like to protest things. They march, yell, petition, gather signatures, anything to help the cause. Getting arrested and carted off by the authorities is considered a badge of honor. Most of the time, all the hoopla is for a reason the majority of folks can support, but they would rather go watch reruns of Lost instead.

      Every now and then, an upstanding citizen of Austin, Texas provides us all with a shining example of protest that the rest of us would never have even dreamed up. Please allow the introduction of Robin Schneider, executive director of Texas Campaign for the Environment, who was arrested for criminal trespass on Monday on the University of Texas campus during her activities to protest a plastic bottle of water. Yes, Schneider decided that President Obama’s visit was a good time to gather signatures to announce opposition to UT’s new “H2Orange” water that comes bottled in plastic replicas of the UT Tower. That means that her thought process went a little something like this:

1. The bottled water industry greatly contributes to litter and landfill waste.
2. Plastic litter is the devil.
3. The University of Texas has approved the production of tiny, PLASTIC replica Towers for the distribution of single-serving water.
4. I can think of no better method to garner positive support for my cause than agitating the police within spitting distance of the President of the United States of America.
5. Where are my Birkenstocks?

      Just to clear things up a bit, “H2Orange” is a business venture by a small group of investors—mostly UT alumni—to help raise funds for scholarships, fellowships, and internships, with a $1 million annual goal. Diabolical, huh? Oh, and to destroy our ecosystem, priming the planet for a hostile invasion by aliens from Uranus that will enslave the human race. But, on the bright side, after the Uranian armies decimate our cities and strip our planet of natural resources, you should be able to find plenty of these darling, plastic bottles molded in the shape of the UT Tower with which to build your new shack on the edge of Ladybird Lake. Don’t worry about riffraff either; folks using Wal-Mart’s Great Value brand plastic bottles to build their shacks will live east of I-35, lest they be charged with criminal trespass.



  • trapped in I-35 4 years ago

    OMGoodness!Aren't the walmart bottles bigger too? Why must we always give in to them? They probably use food stamp money to buy the water bottles, and refill them with baby formula.

  • Longhorn Reader 4 years ago

    Your sarcasm is hilarious! I love reading your column! Power to the people and the burnt orange fans who will support the economy and the scholarships. Bravo, Robin Schneider for standing up for your beliefs. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!

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