Relationship checkup: Why wait until you're speeding into Splitsville?

Often times, couples enter therapy for damage control.  Sometimes, the damage is way out of control!  So my question is, why wait until you’re at your wits end before entering therapy when, perhaps, an earlier intervention may have prevented some of the drama?

One common misconception of therapy is the idea that it’s supposed to cure all relationship ailments, restoring romantic and passionate bliss; and, if the relationship ends or results in divorce, your therapist must not have done his/her job.  Our role as therapists is not to ensure your relationship’s longevity; nor is our role to make decisions for you.  Our role is to help bring clarity to underlying issues (including histories of trauma, mental health disorders, or emotional triggers that are affecting the relationship), shed light on some of the relationship’s strengths (which are often forgotten or replaced by negativity), and offer a safe environment to openly and honestly discuss the issues that brought you into treatment; which ultimately helps couples get “unstuck” from their “What do we do now?” stalemates.

According to therapist and Huffington Post columnist Jennifer Gauvain, LCSW, 30% of divorced women said they had “serious doubts before walking down the aisle.”  While Gauvain goes on to discuss the reasons why people should pay attention to the proverbial “red flags,” which essentially point to a larger question of why people stay in bad or unfulfilling relationships, one can’t help but wonder if the divorce rate would dramatically decrease or if people would report having healthier and more satisfying relationships if they entered therapy earlier rather than later.

Here in Philadelphia, we have the Council for Relationships; a group of professionals dedicated to addressing the unique issues presented by couples.  One of their distinctive services includes a 3-session Relationship Checkup, perfect for the couple who is looking to assess their areas of improvement, address any conflict, and most importantly, explore and strengthen any communication issues that could prove to be a relationship, time, money, and heartache saver!

And, just in case money is tight or I haven’t quite convinced you that a relationship checkup is just as important as your annual gyno or dental visit, keep these 3 relationship tips in mind:

1. Communication, Communication, Communication!  We are not all gifted with Ms. Cleo’s mindreading swag.  Talk about issues as they come up to prevent unnecessarily explosive arguments.  Feelings are cool…we all have them!
2. What you say is not nearly as important as how you say it.  Be conscious and cautious of sarcasm, contempt, anger, or frustration in your tone.  Be genuine, understanding, forgiving, and most importantly, remember that sometimes people say things with the only wording they know and may not mean what you’re actually hearing – ask for clarity!
3. For all you golfers out there, all relationships should implement a “mulligan-a-day” rule…or in regular speak: a redo or do-over!  We all make mistakes; not every mistake is worth gearing up for WWIII!