In discussing the norm of reciprocity, there are three equally important aspects to consider: focus on the other, focus on the self, and a balance between them.
1. Given the norm of reciprocity in Western culture, people sometimes frame a relationship as a more or less contractual agreement that "you owe me this and in return I give you that.” In contrast is the ideal of unconditional love and the experience that it is more blessed to give than to receive. There are more pleasant things to focus on than keeping a scorecard.
When your goal in giving is to receive in part, not to give in whole, that always backfires. But giving in whole, without expected reciprocation, can never fail you, because it is the one path we can take without a duality imposed on its results. You give, and you leave it at that. You love, and you watch with patience as what you gave over time, be it moments or decades, works its magic. —Axely Congress
2. In contrast, you are no less important than those you are in relationship with. When you have created a fulfilling life, you have more love to give and energy to help.
In any decision in your marriage, the principal question is what you want. This sounds dissident to Western ears, but it is nevertheless fundamental. All other questions—of children, money, home, position, families, work, friends, survival—while legitimate, are derivative; that is to say, without the marriage these questions would not exist, or they would take a very different form. The answers to them will be satisfactory and lasting only after the basic matter of personal wants is faced.
—Michael Drury in Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress, p. 115
3. As with most principles, these points may help clarify, but in the end you have to assess their applicability to your situation. If there is a sharp imbalance in reciprocity, most people are going to feel uncomfortable with the situation, and it may be appropriate to ask, “What am I getting out of the relationship?” Other times, even if you feel your needs are not met, it may be more helpful to ask, “Are there areas in which it would be helpful for me to be more giving?” There needs to be a balance, and finding this balance for yourself can be helpful to the other as well.
My experience has taught me something though that might be of interest to you. I accept responsibility for my role in shaping the behaviors of others. One issue I have is giving. If I have it, I share it. It's that simple. What I've found is that with some people, that approach is the wrong one. In loving relationships, reciprocity is the natural outcome. You give, you get. When you pour yourself into someone else, the natural response is for them to pour back into you. In these relationships, you are renewed in love. These aren't necessarily romantic relationships, they are any loving relationship. It can be with your child, your best friend, your parent, etc. However, when you give and receive nothing in return, and you continue to give, in some ways, you are conditioning that person to expect something for nothing. You may feel good because you are doing what you love to do, but the outcome is to train another person to expect something for nothing. I've found that I must curb my natural propensity for giving to some individuals when I receive nothing in return. —Randy Large, author of True Success Skills curriculum
3. As with most principles, these points may help clarify, but in the end you have to assess their applicability to your situation. If there is a sharp imbalance in reciprocity, most people are going to feel uncomfortable with the situation, and it may be appropriate to ask, “What am I getting out of the relationship?” Other times, even if you feel your needs are not met, it may be more helpful to ask, “Are there areas in which it would be helpful for me to be more giving?” There needs to be a balance, and finding this balance for yourself can be helpful to the other as well.
My experience has taught me something though that might be of interest to you. I accept responsibility for my role in shaping the behaviors of others. One issue I have is giving. If I have it, I share it. It's that simple. What I've found is that with some people, that approach is the wrong one. In loving relationships, reciprocity is the natural outcome. You give, you get. When you pour yourself into someone else, the natural response is for them to pour back into you. In these relationships, you are renewed in love. These aren't necessarily romantic relationships, they are any loving relationship. It can be with your child, your best friend, your parent, etc. However, when you give and receive nothing in return, and you continue to give, in some ways, you are conditioning that person to expect something for nothing. You may feel good because you are doing what you love to do, but the outcome is to train another person to expect something for nothing. I've found that I must curb my natural propensity for giving to some individuals when I receive nothing in return. —Randy Large, author of True Success Skills curriculum
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