Teenagers feel things very strongly, and when a parent tries to soothe a teen by saying, “Oh honey, that’s not such a big deal. You’ll get over it”, the teen may feel diminished.
That doesn’t mean you have to cave in to her desires, but if your teen is scared or angry or upset, listen to her talk about her feelings and let her know you hear them.
If she says that a group at school made her feel like an outsider or not back of the group, that’s a big deal to a teen. Sure, in ten years, she’ll realize as you do that it’s not big, but on this day and at this time of her life – it can be huge.
Instead, tell your teenager, “I can tell this is really upsetting you. You seem very (angry, hurt, scared, etc. I am interested in understanding what caused you to feel this way.”
Empathize with your teen, but don’t be condescending. You (hopefully) already know that a person will survive her first heart-break, but for your teenager it truly does feel like the end of the world. Many of the strong emotions and life events are things she’s experiencing for the first time.
As a parent, you’ve got to be able to respect your teen’s feelings if you want your teen to grow up to respect her own feelings. And showing respect to those emotions reinforces that you will treat them with the respect that mirrors the intensity she feels toward them. This element will encourage (or at least not impede) her to approach you in the future. In other words – it reinforces you as trust worthy.
At the same time, as the parent, it’s your job to model healthy responses and reactions to emotions. Help your teen to distinguish between feeling her emotions versus acting out on them.
If you need help with this, the author offers a six week course on self mastery. One of the weekly topics is mastering emotional energies.
Whether you buy the teen’s rationale for how she feels or what she does, to the teen, it’s real. If your relationship is built on trust you’ll be able to tell whether your teen is telling the truth. Dialogue and active listening is your best option.
Listening is vital. Absorb what she is telling you. And let her know that you hear her. Try not to assign motives or values to what you are hearing. Encourage your teen to speak by using open-ended questions and phrases such as: I’m curious to learn more. I want to understand what you are thinking and feeling.
As you do this, there will come a chance for you to reciprocate and share your perspective on the situation, but let her be heard first.
Your teen is the same person you celebrated the first birthday of over a decade ago. Remember the love you felt on that occasion. Your teen is a part of you and you are a part of your teen.
In building trust, these memories are powerful allies to find within yourself to as you nurture your relationship with your teen. Yet it is equally important to consider the adult your child is in the process of becoming.
Here’s a valuable resource: The Center for Adolescent Health collaborated with local high school teachers, students, parents, mental health professionals and educators to produce this guide to Confronting Teen Stress: Meeting the Challenge in Baltimore City.
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