Almost everyone is aware of the terms ‘Sugar Daddy’ or ‘Sugar Baby’. When the most typical of these relationships is noticed, that of the much older man and his young, twenty-something girlfriend, the first thought that comes to most people’s minds is “there goes a Sugar Daddy and his Sugar Baby’. Others may be less kind in their assessment, but outside of the initial judgment, no one considers that the relationship might be more than a passing fancy, might actually be beneficial to both parties. In his tell-all book, “Sugar Daddy Diary” (available on Amazon.com), businessman David Montrose throws the door wide open on another sub-culture most don’t know exists; the ‘sugar lifestyle.
As you might guess, David Montrose is not his real name. Montrose learned to master the art of discretion a number of years ago. As a businessman, husband, and father, he had to make sure he protected himself while still being able to enjoy the addicting taste of ‘sugar’ he’d become accustomed to.
Retired now from the role of Sugar Daddy, Montrose decided to start a blog (Sugar Daddy Blog) so others might openly engage in conversation about the lifestyle, and he also wrote a book about his own personal experiences. In this interview, he answers questions, some of them tough, about the world of mutually beneficial relationships. For the record, the interview was conducted by phone (that ‘discretion’ thing), and Mr. Montrose came across as articulate, intelligent, and very charming with a lovely Greek accent (he claims also to be one quarter Italian). He is forthright and honest in his replies, and makes no apologies for living a lifestyle outside of the norm of what some may call ‘American values’. As he points out, European standards for these things are quite different and far more accepting.
In his book, Montrose shares that he got used to the idea of paying a professional for sex at an early age. The curious little boy who “stole furtive glances down my English Nanny’s blouse” (quote from book) grew into a young man pitting his Catholic guilt against his natural teenage hormones. He says where he grew up, sex workers were quite normal and paying for sex was not unusual at all. This became the springboard for his foray into the ‘sugar’ lifestyle.
He mentions that early on, his wife found out about his cheating (where it all began), and it nearly ruined his marriage. “That was actually outside of this whole sugar thing. We actually patched things up, well, we actually got separated for a while. I was doing a lot of business traveling, and putting in pretty long hours, so it took a toll on my marriage for a while. It was mainly during that time when I was doing those things I was doing, primarily in Houston and New York as well.”
Montrose claims in his book that he has been “mostly happy” for all 15 years of his marriage so it wasn’t dissatisfaction that tempted him away, but rather, a restlessness, a need for something new. He calls this nagging need “the monster”. “This isn’t done on a frequent basis, and it’s a fairly sneaky way to do things, but the way people do it is they mask it under the guise of business trips, working late in the office, going in early to the office, you know. That sort of thing. For others, if they’re not happy with their marriage, they seek to go outside of it because obviously there are many creative ways to do this.”
“The upside”, he explains, “of course, is the companionship, meeting these various individuals, and experiencing some of their stories (through conversation).”
So what might be the downside? “The downside, of course, is the fact that this type of lifestyle..a lot of people are scammers. You have a twenty-five year old who is going to go out with a guy who’s old, desperate, lonely, - whatever. She’ll string him along and just get as much money out of him…you got these pure materialistic individuals.”
Montrose says he learned how to weed out the scammers from those genuinely interested in a short-term, mutually beneficial relationship. “You can tell by the body language, speech patterns, their behavior, the stuff that they ask – so at which stage of the liaison do they ask. You can actually tell fairly quickly which one is there because they have a need and would like to manage it, and then there’s others who are greedy and out to see five men a week and get $1,000 out of each a week. You also meet a lot of escorts, just pure escorts who pretend to be SBs. They just quote you some kind of price.”
He says he has been lucky and had mostly good relationships, and even one or two that developed beyond the agreed terms into actual feelings. One of those stopped being a sugar relationship and went on for a couple of years as simply an extra-marital love affair.
Montrose makes a point that sex isn’t always part of the agreed upon deal, but the fact that terms can be agreed upon in advance is part of the allure of a sugar relationship. He refers to these as NSAs or “no strings attached” relationships. There are many ways a sugar relationship can proceed such as with the SD providing an allowance monthly to his SB or providing gifts, trips, payment of bills here and there, but his preference is straight-forward; pay-for-play.
Knowing this, the question then arises what, exactly, is the difference between a sugar arrangement and prostitution? For one, expectations and actual dating. A sugar relationship can go on for a time until one or both tire of the situation, and move one. In prostitution, it’s one moment bought and paid for, and then it’s over. “My own brother says it’s prostitution. I hadn’t really told him any details, but I did tell him. I mean, I couldn’t really keep a secret any longer so I told him casually, you know, hey, I’m doing this – just casually. He said, “oh yea, that’s just prostitution. They just want you for your money, plain and simple. Call it what you will.” I’ve actually heard that a lot. If you just look at it as black and white, then sure. But life is not black and white at all. Plus, the ladies are not obliged – we actually meet first for a coffee, and we talk once, twice, three times, and we actually arrive at a commonly agreed type of setup. If we don’t agree, we shake hands and walk away. It doesn’t involve sex all the time. By contrast, when you call an escort and say you want someone for an hour or two hours, pay them X-dollars, and after that one or two hours is done, she’s going to leave. It’s a business kind of thing. You show up, I pay you. We have sex, nothing else, and then you just take off.” The latter was not the type of arrangements he had. Montrose says what he had were like regular dates. “The gifts just happened to facilitate things.” And he was generous to his SBs. He didn’t keep a financial tally, but rather they just enjoyed each other for a time.
So how does a SD/SB decide when to end a relationship? “Boredom. Well, you know. Generally speaking, why, even, do casual relationships end? You get some months in, you had fun. It was fun. We can’t get anything more from this so…you move on.”
How did he meet all these SBs? Did they throw themselves at him, or did he pursue them? “Hmmn, a little bit of both, I guess. In this setting, you have a lot of women of various ages attracted to a smaller pool of men. There are only very guys willing to do this. How many guys out there are willing to give money to someone to spend or go shopping?”
At this point in time, Montrose says he’s “mostly done with it. It was a lot of fun while it lasted. It was too much fun, actually, so I decided to become a family person again, at least in some way, be a better person than I used to be. You grow older and say well, why don’t I try something else?” That ‘something else’ seems to be focusing on his daughter who is now almost fifteen.
Montrose has experienced a lifestyle most people aren’t even aware of for the most part. One of many mutually beneficial relationship lifestyles (from prostitution/escorts to S&M to friends with benefits, and finally, marriage), ‘sugar’ seems, perhaps, the most legitimate after marriage although probably still harshly judged by others. However you may react to the idea of a sugar relationship, it works out for those seeking short-term companionship with financial benefits. Being up front and negotiating the arrangement allows both parties to know exactly what they are entering into, and neither will agree if they don’t like the other or find that person attractive. It’s not about romance, although that can certainly become part of it if the chemistry is right, but it’s about two people getting what they want.
Special thanks to David Montrose for his time.