In the 12th edition of "Feedback from Readers," male and female readers responded with their thoughts, opinions, agreements and disagreements on the last six articles featured in this column.
Click here to read the previous edition of "Feedback from Readers."
The responses that are highlighted are those that usually fall into one of three categories:
- A response that is representative of a very strong agreement to the opinions expressed in one or more of the last six articles;
- A response that is representative of a very strong disagreement to the opinions expressed in one or more of the last six articles;
- A desire for further clarification and understanding to something expressed or asserted in a previous article.
[Note: All first names have been changed for the sake of anonymity, and many questions and/or comments may have been edited, condensed or paraphrased to some degree in order to either save space or correct spelling and grammatical errors]
Email feedback #1 in response to the article, Examining the men who allow their female companions to enjoy sex with other men
From Raymond B.:
"Brother Alan, you and I have been friends on Facebook for a while now, and I always enjoy reading your articles on The Examiner. Your article on polyamorous dating such as swinging and couple-swapping really caught my attention. I am so glad you chose to write about this topic. Particularly, the portion of the article where you discussed the idea of men who choose to be submissive cuckolds and African-American male swingers who fulfill the role of the 'Black Bull' for married Caucasian couples. I am actually in that category Mr. Currie! I cannot tell you how many times I get propositioned by Caucasian women who are married. It is literally unbelievable. I am not talking about nightclub skanks either. I am talking about college-educated, professional women earning a six-figure salary. Sometimes, I will get approached by the wife only, while other times I will get approached by both the wife and the husband. The husband will very much want to be cuckolded, and they both want me to the kinky and dominant Bull.
You mentioned that Dr. Phil said that approximately ten million men and women in America are swinging. I disagree. That number is way too low. Swinging, couple-swapping, and cuckolding is much more prevalent than mainstream America thinks it is. If you are a Black man who is reasonably handsome, keeps your physique in decent shape, intelligent, articulate, and packin' a wallop (i.e., well endowed), the opportunities are endless. Thank you for bringing this to the mainstream consciousness of your readers. Many of the Black women I know get attitudes toward me when I tell them about my hookups with White women, but I could care less. I'd rather mess around with a rich, married White woman any day than a broke, unemployed Black woman with a funky attitude. Keep up the good work Brother Currie!"
Alan Roger Currie's response: Well, with that last comment, you surely will not attract any new African-American female friends!! I can tell though that you have reached a point where you really could care less about 'haters' and harsh critics of your lifestyle.
You are right. Polyamorous dating habits among American men and women have grown exponentially over the last thirty or forty years. Before I moved to Los Angeles in 1994, I never knew much about Polyamory. California is arguably the number one state for swinging and couple-swapping, although the state of Maryland, according to at least one magazine article I read, supposedly has the highest percentage of African-American swingers.
That Black male adult film actor I mentioned in the article was the first one to tell me specifically about the whole cuckolding scenario. I had no idea. He informed me that many middle-aged and older Caucasian men will pay young athletic and virile Black men big bucks to satisfy that fantasy. The idea of that blew my mind upon hearing about it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me!
Email feedback #2 in response to the article, Examining the men who allow their female companions to enjoy sex with other men
From Cindy Lou W.:
"I have listened to your talk radio show off and on, but I just recently found out about your articles on The Examiner. You will not believe how much that article about men who openly share their women resonated with me. Oh my God! Over the years, I have been in almost all four categories you described. In the last three or four years of my first marriage, it was a sexless marriage, and my ex-husband and I both started sleeping with other people. My second husband and I used to dabble in swinging and couple-swapping, and he loved playing the role of the voyeur. Now, I am married for the third time, and my current husband is really into the whole cuckold scenario with Black men. I did not even want to marry my current husband. He literally begged me to marry him. The only reason I married him is because he offered to take care of all of my bills and living expenses. Sad to say, I no longer have an attraction to Caucasian men sexually, but all of my husbands have been White. I used to think I was one of the rare few women in this category until I read your article. Now I don't feel so weird about what I do! I loved the part in your article where you said your Human Sexuality 101 professor taught you that there is no such thing as 'normal' sex. I feel more 'normal' now, thanks to your article Alan!"
Alan Roger Currie's response: Thank you for your confessions and your honesty Cindy Lou. Trust me, you are not alone in your experiences by any means. Right after my last article got published, I received literally dozens of Facebook messages and private e-mail messages from women, and particularly Caucasian women, sharing their stories related to one of the four categories of Polyamory that I mentioned in the article.
One thing I discuss in my book, The Possibility of Sex: How Naive and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly, is that many women do not marry men for genuine reasons like love and mutual attraction. You just highlighted that in your response with your description of your current marriage situation. I know many women who have dated men and married men primarily because that man was fulfilling the role of the "Sugar Daddy" and "Financial Provider."
In my experience, I find that the vast majority of women are going to pursue men to fulfill one of these three roles:
- The Enjoyable and Satisfying Lover
- The Ego booster / Personal Entertainer / Empathetic Listening Ear to their Problems and Frustrations
- The Sugar Daddy / Financial Provider
The men who are going to attract the highest quantity and quality of women are those men who are a combination of Role #1 and Role #3. The second type of man who will have his pick of the litter is the man who is exclusively in Role #1. If you are a man who is exclusively in Role #2, most women are only going to want nothing more than a purely platonic friendship with you. If you are a man who is perceived as being a combination of Role #2 and Role #3, or exclusively in Role #3, many women will string you along to believe that they want to have sex with you or enjoy having sex with you, but really they do not. I do not hear about too many men who are a combination of Role #1 and Role #2, but I am sure a few of them exist.
Your current husband is a combination of Role #2 and Role #3, which is why you feel the need to have sex with other men who fulfill Role #1. Personally, when I am romantically or sexually attracted to a woman, I never want to fall into Role #2 exclusively, Role #3 exclusively, or a combination of Role #2 and Role #3. Because most of the women I have dated usually earned as much if not more money than me, I rarely have fallen into Role #3. Knock on wood.
Email feedback in response to the article, Viral video 'Asking 100 Girls For Sex' sends the wrong message to men and women
From Trina D.:
"Hello Mr. Currie. You and I are friends on Facebook, although I have never made your acquaintance in person or spoken with you via the phone. I saw where you posted an article about the video that shows a young guy approaching one hundred women and asking for sex, and being turned down by all of them.
You argued in your article that this video was unrealistic because of the exceptionally high number of rejections from the women, but I disagree. I would never respond favorably or positively to a man approaching me and asking for sex right off the bat. Never. He could be fine as hell with a gorgeous physique, and I would still turn him down. That is so tacky to me. I do not want to be looked at as a walking, talking vagina. I have much more to offer as a woman than just sex. I do not know any respectable woman who was raised in the right way who would respond well to a man opening up a conversation by asking for sex.
So tell me - is that what your books are about? Encouraging men to approach women just for sex? If so, I am in disbelief. Shame on you Alan. I agree with you that women do not like liars and game players, but I also would add in that most women do not like men who are only after sex. That is a major turn-off for women."
Alan Roger Currie's response: All I have to say Trina is . . . speak for yourself. I have met way more women in my lifetime who respect men who are open and straightforwardly honest about the fact that they primarily want sex from a woman than I have women who, like yourself, had harsh criticisms of such behavior.
It might be valid that YOU are 'turned off' by men who approach you exclusively looking for short-term non-monogamous 'casual' sex, but trust me ... that is not an attitude shared by ALL women, or even MOST women.
Most of the women who I have interacted with love and respect my upfront, straightforward honesty regarding my sexual desires, interests, and intentions with them. I have been criticized here and there, but not enough to discourage me from exhibiting what I refer to as 'Mode One' behavior.
Responses like yours simply validate the points I made in that article. You know what most men are going to do with you? If they know you possess the attitude you expressed, they are going to approach you ... spend a number of days, weeks, or months 'pretending' like they want a long-term, emotionally profound, monogamous sexual relationship with you (i.e., a 'boyfriend-girlfriend' type relationship), but once they have sex with you (assuming you engage in premarital sex with men of interest), they are going to dump you and you will never hear from them again. I cannot tell you how many women have repeatedly shared with me stories representative of that series of events.
If that is the type of dishonest, disingenuous man you want to attract, be my guest. Your feelings are going to get hurt in the long run. The reality is this: for roughly every ten women that a man meets that he finds physically attractive and sexually appealing, there are going to be a) one or two women who he wants a long-term monogamous relationship with; b) two or three who he wants a more short-term monogamous relationship with; c) another one or two women who he wants a long-term non-monogamous relationship with; and d) the remaining number, he will only want nothing more than short-term non-monogamous sex with (e.g., one-night stand, weekend fling, etc.). Those percentages are not based on 'scientific research' or verifiable statistics, but that is based on my own informal social research as well as personal experiences and observations.
Whether a man wants long-term sex or short-term sex, monogamous sex or non-monogamous sex, you should always invite a man to be upfront and straightforwardly honest about what type of (sexual) relationship he really wants. Then, you can either reciprocate his desires and interests or reject them. Otherwise, again, you are just asking for men to lie to you and engage in manipulative 'head games' with you indefinitely.
Email feedback #1 in response to the article, "Blurred Lines" is the ideal song to describe today's sexually duplicitous woman
From Shaysanna M.:
"Other than your excessive use of bold text, italicized text, and the gross misuse of quotation marks, I love your writing Mr. Currie!! (smiles) Your finger is truly on the pulse of how men and women really think. I loved your recent article about Robin Thicke's song, 'Blurred Lines' and the overall examination of the sexually duplicitous woman.
I am probably going to be one of the few women you will receive a note from openly acknowledging that I am a sexually duplicitous woman. In public, I always present myself as the prudish good girl. My mother, aunts, and older sisters always encouraged me to do so. But in bed, I am a total kinky freak (just the type of woman you and most men love, I'm sure!).
As you alluded to in your article, it is really not my job as a woman to announce to the world that I am kinky in bed. The challenge for any man I meet who I may be interested in sleeping with is to motivate me to reveal and unleash that side to him. If that man is not capable of bringing that side out of me when we are alone together, he will never see that side of me. He will go on always believing that I am the biggest prude in the world. On the flip side, if he truly knows the psychology of women, he will realize that what I am presenting to him was what you referred to in your article as a prudish facade. Kudos for this article. Keep being you Alan. Again, I love your writing, but stop it with all of the quotations!!"
Alan Roger Currie's response: I have a good friend named Adrienne who recently teased me about my use of quotation marks around certain words, terms, phrases, and concepts. I cannot help myself!! I need to see a "grammatical therapist" or something. See, I did it again.
I have to admit. I was genuinely surprised by the amount of positive feedback I received from women regarding the article on "Blurred Lines" and women's sexual duplicity. I thought I would I have more women criticize me, challenge me, or disagree with me. Roughly 95% of the feedback I received from women was a "thumbs up" (there goes those quotation marks again!).
Everything you expressed in your response is exactly how I feel. Your response is why I wrote my book entitled, Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Within the context of my book, I refer to sexually duplicitous women as "Pretenders." Say it Again is all about teaching men how to identify and ultimately seduce 'Pretender' types. Women who are 'Pretenders,' like you said, are rarely if ever going to just come out and say to a man, "I love indulging in casual sex! I love engaging in kinky, free-spirited sex! Take me ... now!" They want the man to 'talk that talk' and bring out their 'inner kinky freak' side (quotation marks again!). I appreciate your candor Shaysonna (and yes, I love erotically uninhibited women).
Email feedback #2 in response to the article, "Blurred Lines" is the ideal song to describe today's sexually duplicitous woman
From Paulette E.:
"I am a sophomore in college, and my roommate had me read your article after she discovered it on Twitter. Your article was entertaining and enlightening, but it left me feeling somewhat frustrated as a young woman.
I know you have probably heard this a hundred times, but there is such a double standard in society about men's sexuality vs. women's sexuality. If a man is kinky and promiscuous, other men sing his praises and all is good. If a woman lets it be known that she is kinky and even remotely promiscuous, the guys here on campus will call you a ho, a slut, a freak, and all other sorts of undesirable, degrading labels. I hate it.
I love sex. Not only relationship sex, but I love casual sex too if I find a guy really hot and we have great chemistry. I am always afraid to sleep with guys too quickly though because of what I already mentioned. I guess my simple question is, why are men so judgmental and hypocritical? It is very frustrating for us women, and that is why so many girls are what you described as sexually duplicitous. Sorry for venting, but I just hate the way society is about women and their sexuality."
Alan Roger Currie's response: Paulette, no need to apologize for your frustrations. All of us have them.
Yes, a good number of men want to have sex with dozens, if not hundreds of attractive, sexy female partners in their lifetime, but many of those same men will pass judgment on a woman if she has sex with more than five men in a fifteen year period. Is it fair? Of course not. Is it right on their part? Of course not.
The only advice I can offer is that men will be men. You have 'good' ones and 'bad' ones. Same with women. I say, once a man gives you the impression that he is highly judgmental toward women ... avoid him. Do not have sex with him ever. If you have already had sex with a guy who is 'kissing & telling' about his sexual experiences with you to his male buddies, and he is attaching unflattering labels to your name, trust me - karma is going to come back and bite him in the butt. I have witnessed this happen to many times to count.
You will be happy to know that I criticize these types of men in my books. As I mentioned in the article, most men suffer from the negative effects of what is known as the 'Madonna / Whore Complex.' This is where that judgmental and sexually hypocritical behavior stems from. For some men, as they mature, their level of petty judgments toward women significantly decreases. For other men, their egotistical insecurities and immaturity will always get the best of them.
In partial defense of many of these men, members of your own gender are many times just as guilty. I know many women who quickly and frequently pass judgment on the open-minded and free-spirited sexual habits of other women, and subsequently attach a number of undesirable and highly subjective labels to their name and reputation. Usually, it is because these women are jealous and envious that the more erotically uninhibited girls are the ones receiving the most flattering attention from the teenage boys and men than they are. Other times, it is because they believe that all women should be offered 'incentives' and 'monetary rewards' from men in exchange for their sexual companionship.
My final piece of advice: DO YOU. BE YOU. If you are comfortable with your choices, decisions, and overall behavior, that is all that matters. Forget about the opinions, expectations, subjective criticisms and petty insults of others. This is your life. Enjoy it.
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of books, including Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking and Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Currie's latest eBook, The Possibility of Sex: How Naive and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly is also available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format. You can also download a copy of Currie's eBook on your iPhone, Android Smartphone, or other Smartphone.
Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, the most-listened to talk radio podcast program in the category of "Romance" and self-help for dating singles on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network, can be heard LIVE every Thursday evening at 10:00pm EST / 7:00pm PST. Visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/modeone and http://modeone.net for more details
Currie offers email, telephone, and Skype consultations to both men and women; Visit http://modeone.net/products or http://popexpert.com/seduction to purchase a consultation. Alan is also in the early stages of organizing a documentary about 21st Century dating rituals vs. 20th Century dating rituals. The documentary is tentatively entitled, CHASM. For more details, visit http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/chasm-a-feature-length-documentary-about-21st-century-dating-rituals