We delve back into the reader mailbag this week with a follow up question to the most recent column.
Hey Dr. Mike,
Awesome article today; it was very insightful. So, I have a follow-up question for you based on your article if you don't mind. If you realize the significant other is codependent on the other, how does one gently sever that dependency without turning the dependent into a hallow shell? I realize the answer is probably "it's complicated", but if you have any general guidelines I’d love to hear your insights.
Thanks, Cody
So, let me see, you are in a relationship in which your significant other has become dependent on you for everything. Judging by your terminology (sever, hollow shell), it appears your tolerance toward her clinginess has reached an endgame? Furthermore, you seem irritated that you don’t have a “partner” in your relationship but instead have a puppy dog. And let me guess, your puppy does as you ask, whines when you leave it, and requires constant petting to feel validated. Am I right?
Don’t answer; the good doctor already knows your response. And believe it or not, which if you fail to heed the good doctor’s advice you’d be foolish, you are equally at fault for your relationship dynamic! How? I’ll explain…
It’s my contention that, when you entered this relationship, you quite enjoyed the perks of always getting your way. After all, your partner fawned all over you. So you let the behavior fester; there may have even been some subconscious support. But, that grew old didn’t it? After a while, she became boring, predictable, and tired. You then realized that it’s not a puppy you wanted, but a companion; a confidant. Certainly, you know you don’t want the doormat you have now! So, let’s talk about what can be done to make this relationship more egalitarian.
First off, for this to work, you need to understand one thing: you CAN’T change people!!!!(The good doctor wishes more people understood this). What you CAN do is adjust how you interact with one another in hopes of manipulating the dynamic. Once you modify your behavior, the environmental vibe changes and as such, people react; producing new behaviors.
Get to the specifics, I know. The fact of the matter is that you are going to have to relinquish some control. Did you ever consider that? It’s been my observation that those who have the power are often reluctant to surrender it…
Simply, you are going to have to be more open to her input; on everything. This is how relationships are built; on compromise. Did you know that some social scientists consider a compromise rate of 85% on all decisions healthy? That means in 85% of all decisions that are made, both parties are going to have to give in a little to reach a final conclusion.
She may be reluctant at first. After all, this may be new to her. I’m assuming her fall back to any decision is “whatever you want?” Or, “whatever you think is right?” You have to be persistent in getting her opinion.
Once she feels comfortable, and she feels that you truly respect her judgment, she will begin to gain confidence. Finally, she will begin to feel as if you both are on equal footing. After this occurs, it’s on to step two.
Step two is all about individuality. Dependent people feel as if they cannot enjoy activities without their significant other. However, if you followed through on step one, her newly acquired self-esteem should give her the self-assurance that she can function outside of the relationship. ANY endeavor, in the capacity of functioning as a distinct person, should be supported whole heartedly. I don’t care if it’s underwater basket-weaving or bounty hunting. Anything she can do on her own will build self-worth.
Let’s summarize. Learn to respect her opinion. Then, respect her distinctness. If you are genuine, you will gain the companion for whom you desire. Now Do As I Say!
Do you have a topic you wished to be addressed in this column (by either the good doctor or Dr. Evil)? Or, do you need advice with a relationship concern? Contact me at drmikeexaminer@gmail.com. Or, are you in the Tallahassee area? Dr. Mike is taking on new clients for individualized counseling. Send an email to inquire.
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