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Re-thinking Love and Commitment

Honey there's something we need to discuss.
Honey there's something we need to discuss.
istockphoto

There is this astute video titled Dan Savage: Why Monogamy is Ridiculous. Many may not agree but as Dan says, to make monogamy the center of a relationship is often a recipe for disaster. Well he doesn't say it quite like that, but the point is well taken. If we re-thought monogamy and our quest for it in a marriage we may have better success at marriage.

It's this simple, a relationship doesn't have to be thrown out because someone has a sexual itch that needs to be scratched. It is, as Dan says, ridiculous to ruin all that is good in a partnerhsip because someone can't maintain monogamy. He also says that we are "mongamish." This makes a lot of sense if you remember our long history on earth.

The hard thing about this conversation is that we don't have many examples of couples sorting out a "mongamish" relationship. Our culture is rife with the daily news of men (and women) cheating and the subsequent fallout.

But there is a way.

Firstly we have to admit and accept that our partner may not be the one only one we desire or have sex with. That's hard if you think it means you don't love them. We have built this notion that if you love someone that you will always want them, and only them sexually into our idea of love. Even though we all know that is probably not true.

Secondly we have to unravel the idea that to love is equal to being monogamous. You need only look at the news about divorce. So much regret for losing a partner over cheating. But married couples don't have to cheat or divorce because of it.

As Dan Savage says "we're not failing at monogamy it's failing us" And if we accept that we may find that we don't have to lose a life partner together if they need to explore other sexual experiences. But what does it require? Honest communication, and lots of it.

There are couples who chose and manage to pull off monogamy. For those who have a hard time with it, perhaps taking it out of the center of the relationship, as Dan Savage suggests, can preserve what we really strive for - a lifelong romance.