Susan Shapiro Barash presented readers will a gripping and spot-on roadmap for navigating TOXIC FRIENDS in her last book. With her latest release, YOU’RE GROUNDED FOREVER… BUT FIRST LET’S GO SHOPPING, she’s tackling the toxicity that builds in so many mother/daughter relationships.
As the Book explains: “Expectations for mother-daughter connections are greater than ever before, especially because these already volatile relationships are set against a backdrop of today’s technological, media-saturated, celebrity–driven culture, where traditional values are entwined in the newest trends.”
Barash examines issues such as rivalry, hovering and peer pressure that drive wedges between healthy parent-child fellowships. She shares why the 21st century mother/daughter duo is often invaded with identity sharing, diet obsession and even competitive shopping. YOU’RE GROUNDED FOREVER… BUT FIRST LET’S GO SHOPPING is a book that shakes down what drives a mother/daughter bond and explores the more taboo side of being a Mother and a Daughter. Barash provides insight and explanation, and then she offers the tools that to rebuild a healthy foundation.
PC: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOREVER… BUT FIRST LET’S GO SHOPPING cuts through to the heart of the dynamics involved in a real mother/daughter relationship. What inspired you to write YOU’RE GROUNDED FOREVER… BUT FIRST LET’S GO SHOPPING?
SSB: I wrote this book because after having written a book about female rivalry, and about female friends, I thought it was time to take a look at how these issues and others play out in the mother/daughter dynamic. Also, I have two daughters and a son in the middle, and truthfully, it's been tougher to raise the girls. It turns out that 90% of the mothers with whom I spoke with felt the same about their daughters versus their sons.
PC: How did you go about researching for this book?
SSB: I interviewed 200 women for the book and another 100 for the questionnaire at the end. I investigated studies on mother daughter bonds and on gender identity, which is so compelling for females.
PC: Did you pull data from your own life?
SSB: There was rarely a time when I didn't think of my own daughters and the daughters of friends and family members while I was writing the book. I saw so much of my experience reflected in other women's experiences and I recognized how universal the struggles with our daughters really are.
PC: What has your research shown in what the biggest struggle between mothers and daughters is? (Not facing the problem, not setting boundaries, etc)
SSB: While I have ten chapters and each chapter represents a challenge that mothers face, a prevailing part of the problem is that mothers make endless excuses for their daughters. They lack rules and boundaries, with mothers avoiding confrontations at any cost and doubting they are doing the right thing for their daughters .
PC: Readers will learn a lot about themselves and their relationship with their mothers from reading YOU’RE GROUNDED FOREVER… BUT FIRST LET’S GO SHOPPING, was it an eye opener for you as well? (If so, what was the most impactful epiphany that it brought?)
SSB: Yes, this definitely was eye-opening for me. I had a hunch that mothers everywhere were wrestling with how to raise their daughters, how to foster independence and for their values to have impact. And when I first began my interviews, I found that mothers everywhere were worried about their mothering techniques and if they had enough influence over their daughters.
PC: Why is it that so often we perceive the normal mother/daughter relationship as one of best friendship (a la Gilmore Girls), are we setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations in the relationship?
SSB: I discourage mothers and daughters from being 'best friends forever.’ I think that in our slick, fast paced society, our daughters need guidance and a mother's wisdom. Hopefully the mother has enough friends and the daughter has enough friends. The mother/ daughter bond is a close and intimate relationship, but it also requires a hierarchy, where the mother is the authority figure.
PC: Do mothers often have difficulty separating themselves from their daughters, and vice versa?
SSB: Yes, mothers often have this problem and the merging mother's syndrome can kick in. It's best for the mother to not impose her dreams upon her daughter and to recognize that this is the daughter's life.
PC: What is the best action both sides can take to help find balance?
SSB: A mother should establish an appropriate distance in order for her daughter to have her individuality. This is healthier for both parties.
PC: Do mothers hold their daughters back – unwittingly, or even with the best intentions?
SSB: Yes, mothers can end up holding their daughters back, and we've all heard of 'helicoptering' mothers, who micromanage their daughters' lives. But this can stymie the daughter's ability to make her own decisions.
PC: As women, we all struggle with body image. It’s an equal battle for both mothers and daughters. You address this in the book, but would you share a little about what we can do to find healthy self image?
SSB: Food and weight issues loom large for both mothers and daughters. Often times a mother pressures her daughter about her weight and that only contributes to the problem. It's best to avoid making your daughter feel self conscious, and to have ongoing conversations about the negative effects of media messaging about body image. Food as a crutch is a slippery path and mothers should steer their daughters away from this syndrome as well. If you talk with your daughter about body type and healthy eating and exercise, it will help matters and she will have confidence in how she presents. But mothers really do need to be watchful, despite their efforts, since it's easy for a young woman to fall prey to an eating disorder.
PC: Do mothers often perpetuate the daughters struggle with their own body, and image, by their own emphasis on how they look (as well as how they see their child)?
SSB: Definitely the mother's own preoccupation with her body and weight has an effect upon the daughter and mothers should be sensitive to this.
PC: Why do parents often resort to spoiling their child?
SSB: Virtually every mother remarked that she had 'indulged' her daughter at one time or another in the name of making life easier, pleasing her daughter, paying homage to how it was when the mother was young. The mothers rationalized (correctly) that life is only more difficult and complicated today, so why not assuage the pain by saying yes, not no.
PC: Are they afraid that by being the “bad guy” their child will resent them?
SSB: The 'bad guy' mother syndrome usually presents itself in divorced families. There the mother might be afraid to lose her daughter's love if she doesn't buy her the right shoes/ purse/ sweater... and the father, her ex husband, does. Another issue for mothers whether it is a divorce situation or not, is that they will somehow disappoint their daughter if they don't come through and so they say yes, or buy the 'right item.'
PC: Do daughters have a distorted perception of their mothers?
SSB: Daughters usually resist listening to their mothers, when it comes to all sorts of matters, including the daughter's love interest, the daughter's choice of friends, the daughter's advice about school, career, ambition. They tend to doubt their mother's advice and to be slightly skeptical of the mother's point of view.
PC: What is the biggest struggle that mothers and daughters face when the parents are divorced? (What SSB: is the biggest no-no that both sides can commit?)
This is answered in part above, regarding material possessions and 'buying' your daughter's affection. Another issue is if the parents are contentious and the daughter is asked to take sides. Or if the mother confides too much about her anger toward the father. Or if the mother confides too much about her romantic life.
PC: What can we look for next from Susan Shapiro Barash? (My fingers and toes are crossed there is another fantastic read on the horizon!!)
SSB: Thank you! I am in the beginning stages of another project that will document how women lead their lives today.... and continue to be fascinated by the faces women wear and the lives they lead.
Susan Shapiro Barash is a mother to two daughters, Gender studies professor and women’s issues author. Visit Barash at: http://susanshapirobarash.com/content/index.asp
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