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Q&A: Why Did She End It?

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Question:
I’ve been dating a woman for 3 months, and everything has been going great. We’ve been on several trips together, I’ve met and spent time with her kids, and she’s spent time with my family. In the last few weeks, she’s been very warm and loving, so I thought everything was great. Then last Saturday, out of the blue, she just broke up with me and won’t tell me why. She said that I’m a wonderful guy and she enjoys it when we’re together, but she feels ambivalent when we’re apart. She then insinuated that there’s another issue, but didn’t want to discuss it over the phone. She agreed to meet up and tell me and then cancelled and won’t reschedule. I know she has issues with her ex who cheated on her. She also said that she’s never able to tell anyone what annoys or bothers her. I’m having trouble letting go of this. Do you think this is fair? I feel I deserve to know why it ended, but when I pressed her again to tell me, she just texted, “You need to move on, I have.” What should I do?

Answer:
It’s really awful when someone breaks up with you and gives you no information as to what the problem is. The only clues here are that she has personal problems herself. She obviously has a fear of being cheated on again, and that may explain her ambivalence when she’s away from you. Also, people who are afraid of intimacy end up scaring themselves away when they get too close, which may explain her going from being loving to ending it. Either way, this woman seems to have a lot of intimacy issues. And to make it worse, she admits she can’t speak up when there’s a problem. This means nothing could ever be resolved, so it would have always just been a matter of time until she bailed.

Of course you deserve to know why she ended it, but the most you can do now is hold her accountable. Let her know (in an email or text) just how frustrated and angry you are. Point the finger back at her and her issues regarding cheating and not being able to speak up. Let her know that most things can be resolved if two people communicate about them, and that she’ll never have a healthy relationship with anyone until she’s able to do that. Often holding someone accountable like this will get them to finally respond. Also, making her feel a little rejected by you often pushes a button that might make her even give you another chance – if you want it.

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