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Q&A - love, hermaphrodites, polyamorous, and more


After a bit of an hiatus, I'm back to answer the questions I received about being in love with two people, being in an relationship with a hermaphrodite, and butch lesbians that not only turn heterosexual but also feminine.

If you found out the woman you were dating and have feelings for was a hermaphrodite....would you still date them?

That's a question I'm not sure how to answer. I guess it would depend on honesty about the situation in the beginning. Obviously, the woman didn't come out and say she was a hermaphrodite at first, so that in itself is deceiving. Not saying that she would have to say it in her introduction, "Hi I'm Kim and I'm a hermaphrodite.". But, in the getting to know each other stage, I would expect/demand that type of information.

Once you have feelings for someone things change. It all depends on whether or not you want that. No one can answer that but you. If the thought grosses you out, you probably shouldn't date that person. If you see it as a plus - not having to go out and buy any sex toys, or actually being able to "feel" your partner during intercourse, by all means go for it.

In an open relationship, defined as....together but free to enjoy the intimacy and casual dating of learn that your partner is sleeping with both sexes....however the love you feel for your partner compells you to do you deal with this?  What dynamics of an open relationship are deemed satisfying?  And at what point do you want more or desire to be committed but not polyamorous?

Some people don't care that their partners are sleeping with the other sex. A lot of lesbians do as it breaks so many rules on so many levels. But, if it's an open relationship there really aren't any rules. If it wasn't discussed specifically beforehand, then there can't be an argument.

The way to deal with something that you don't agree with is to bring it out in the open. Discuss how it makes you feel knowing that she's sleeping with men. If you still want to have an open relationship specify that it can only be with other women. If you're partner agrees, great! If she doesn't it's time for you to re-evaluate the type of relationship you're in and if it's worth being in it.

When you fall in love with your lover, normally it's hard to fathom or stomach the idea of her being sexually involved with anyone but you. At that point, the discussion of becoming exclusive should be brought up.

What are some of your romantic moves when you are trying to seduce a woman?

I'm not sure if seduction is something that can be taught. It's more of a second nature type of thing. If you are seducing a woman, and are forcing the art of seduction, the energy in the room would feel weird. You would feel weird. She will definitely not fall into your arms and scream, "make passionate love to me!". It's all about taking your time, and doing what comes natural to you.

I think to answer your question, you would have to reverse the question onto yourself. What moves have been made on you that seduced you? What were her mannerisms like? Her voice? Her body language?

As a writer, I tend to seduce women with words, flattery, and making sure she feels like there's no one else in the world but her and I. There's no particular move. There's no magic pill. It's all in how you feel at that moment. Seize it, and run with it.

Your friend of 15+ years....always "butch"...looks, acts, dresses, thinks all man....suddenly turns feminine (and NON GAY) and starts dating men.....what is your reaction?

That situation happens in reverse all the time in lesbian world! One day your heterosexual, very girly friend turns into a butch lesbian. Sometimes they just turn lesbian and keep their girliness. That person is still your friend. They are still the same person inside. With that said, if you're a true friend,  you will be her friend after she switches sides. Of course you'd have some questions to unravel the how's and why's. It's possible that she's always been bisexual. It's possible, that she figured out that women aren't for her. It's possible that she saw herself dressed feminine and loved the way it felt. It's even possible that she met her soul mate that turned out to be a man. Anything is possible.

Sexuality is complex. There are no right or wrong ways in sexuality. It just is. So what? She finally figured out she is straight. Be happy for her that she came into herself. That she finally knows herself. And that she's finally happy.

You are married and in love with your wife. One day you meet someone that you have an uncanny connection with, one thing leads to another and you begin an affair.  You find yourself in love with both of them, how do you handle it?

I'm not totally sure if it's possible to be in love with two people at once. You can love two people, but to be "in love" doesn't seem possible. When you're in love, that person is the only person on your mind. There aren't any other people in the world besides you and her. You fall over yourself just to be next to her. When you're not with her, your heart cries out for her. And when you know you're going to see her the butterflies overwhelm you. Her scent intoxicates you. No one can break that when you're in love. Therefore, there's no way possible you would have a sexual relationship outside of the relationship you're in if you're in love.

But if you love your wife, and are in love with your lover someone will get the short end of the love stick. More than likely it will be the woman you're not "in love" with.

Sometimes when people have affairs, they think they're in love, but they're not. They are infatuated. They're in love with the idea of that person and not truly that person. That's where the confusion comes in.

Never being in that situation, I don't know how to answer this question. I'm not sure how you'd handle it. I am sure that extramarital affairs cause nothing but heartache for all parties involved. So if you truly love them both, love them enough to be honest with them about your feelings. Love them enough to let one of them go.

Until next time,


  • Arby 5 years ago

    WOW very interesting topics. You have a lot of insight on this.

  • Jasmine 5 years ago

    "Intersex" is the appropriate word:

    "The mythological term "hermaphrodite" implies that a person is both fully male and fully female. This is a physiologic impossibility. … experts recommend that all terms based on the root "hermaphrodite" be abandoned because they are scientifically specious and clinically problematic. The terms fail to reflect modern scientific understandings of intersex conditions, confuse clinicians, harm patients, and panic parents."

    Quoted from the website of the Intersex Society of North America

    Loving more than one person at the same time seems impossible to some people, but it seems completely normal to other people. Honesty with all partners is much more consistent with love and respect.

    Two books on the topic are available at major booksellers:

    _The Lesbian Polyamory Reader_ by Marcia Munson and Judith Stelboum
    _Lesbian Polyfidelity_ by Celeste West