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Q & A: Help Me Say Goodbye to My Ex

Help Me Say Goodbye to My Ex Contributor: photostock


Dear Carolyn,

Hi, my name is Demie and I'm 32 and from the Philippines. A month ago, one of mentors handed me your book entitled Loving Him Without Losing You, and I've found it very helpful. I was in a relationship for 7 years when my boyfriend broke it off for no reason. I found out later that he was cheating. I tried to win him back even though I know he's not good for me. I come from a good family and he doesn't and I have a degree and he only had vocational work. I loved him so much that I thought I would die. I wrote him a letter tackling the issues but to no avail. He said the problem is him, not me. I felt weary, I know I am angry, mad, rejected, unrespected, and I know what I want -- I want to get even. As I browse your book again, I felt this strong urge to confront him face to face but I know he will not show up as I tried this before. So instead, I wanna write my confrontation through email. I want to express my feelings in a manner that will intimidate him as he let me feel that way when we talked. Admittedly I am in pain. Please help me.



I am so sorry this happened to you, but I'm glad your mentor gave you my book. I do believe that a confrontation letter will help you a lot. From what you said, it sounds like you could do better, and that is what you have to focus on. Certainly you don't want a man who is a cheater and who doesn't deal with the issues. Besides that, focus on your difference in education and family. Write all of his negative traits, including those, and read them every day until you feel better. Also, I am attaching an excerpt from my third book titled, Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With in the Chapter 14: When He Won't Change. This is how to write a powerful Goodbye Letter that will hopefully make you feel strong once you send it.

Writing Your Goodbye Letter

  • Express to him that he has had no right to criticize you or treat you the way he did.
    Be sure you come from a position of strength as you start the letter. Tell him you're angry or repulsed, because of his bad behavior, and that he had no right to do that. Tell him that he's wrong about you. State positive things about yourself without sounding as if you're trying to win his approval. Tell him how you are better than he is: "I am not as stupid or naive as you may think. I'm smart enough to figure out what a jerk you are."

  • Blast him with his negative traits.
    Let him know you see through him. Criticize and scold him. Be aggressive and accusatory: "You're a cold, inconsiderate jerk. No wonder you have no friends." Think of every single negative thing you can. If he lets his mother control his life, tell him he's weak. If his breath smells, tell him that, too. And tell him you now see why his last girlfriend broke up with him.

  • Clarify how you are different from him and proud of these differences.
    Make the point that he was never good enough for you anyway. "No wonder you didn't appreciate me—I'm a person who cares about people and you have a heart of stone. I'm successful and you're a loser!" It's important that you make it clear to him (and yourself) that he was not good for you.

  • Tell him the kind of man you want is different from him.
    "I don't know what I was doing with someone like you when I want a man who is warm and can express himself." Or, "I want a man who knows where he is going in life."

  • Make it clear you will never allow him or anyone else to treat you like that again!

Close the letter with some final goodbye phrase that shows it's really over, like "Grow up!" or "Have a miserable life—that's what you deserve!" The letter is more for you than him, and that's why you must be angry, aggressive, and negative about him. Your self-esteem is at stake here! Once you've written the letter, you can either say it all to him or send it to him. If it seems too vicious, take a few parts out before you send it, but send it. (Unless you're in the middle of a divorce, in which case, wait to send it until after everything is finalized so you don't jeopardize your case.)

Keep a copy of the letter and reread it anytime you start to reminisce about good times, have regrets, or feel positive toward him for any reason.

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