Preying at the Church of Green

This is a missive from a layman to his spiritual leader, written on 100% recycled bathroom tissue using biodegradable organic soy ink. Some may think this is a sacrilegious satire. Others will claim that it is too painfully true to be heresy. Each reader must judge for oneself.

My Dearest Mongreenior Organicus,

I must confess that, as a mere layman, I find it difficult to divine exactly what revelation of Higher Power is now sanctified by the glorious New Reformed World Church of Green.

According to the Testament of Gaia, all fossil fuels are evil. Oil is categorically evil. Natural gas is plentiful, cheap and nonpolluting but still evil. Coal, even gasified and clean, is evil. Nuclear is not only evil but terrifying and satanic.

This 8-foot green Jesus in Detroit may not be what most
people think of when they hear "The Church of Green."
(AP Photo)

So what Higher Power is acceptable to our Anointed Ones? Electric cars would be nice, but all fuels needed to produce triple or quadruple the electric power needed to run all of America’s cars are either evil or terrifyingly satanic.

Getting rid of all automobiles and forcing everyone to ride electric trolleys and light rail is a beauteous wet dream of many Greenites. Nothing would be better for the great unwashed masses than to pack them nose-to-armpit in public conveyances. A few electric autos could still be produced, but they would be reserved for use by the Green Clergy and their Favored Political Ruling Classes.

Water power is a nice renewable resource, especially now with all those glaciers melting away at dizzying speed (at least so I’m told), but the Green Bible detests hydroelectric damns, especially those in the western states that kill off the poor spawning salmon, which are so much more important than mere people, so we can forget that.

Canonical Green power pretty much limits itself to ethanol, wind power and solar power.

Of course ethanol requires that food (like corn) ordinarily destined for the tables of otherwise starving peoples be diverted to refineries where it’s turned into auto fuel (for those Green Clergy and their Favored Political Ruling Classes who will still be permitted autos) meaning that millions worldwide will starve to death. But many Greens, being acolytes of St. Malthus, the Messiah of Overpopulation who kept predicting that population will outstrip food supplies any decade now, believe that the world’s population needs to be thinned out anyway as long as the thinning out doesn’t include themselves and their loved ones, will therefore find little to condemn about world starvation.

So that pretty much leaves solar and wind power as consecrated energy sources.

Our Sisters of Perpetual Recyclability certainly remember their grandmothers who were intimately “as one” with solar power. They had solar powered clothes dryers after all, which consisted of rope and a bag of clothespins. The Mother Superiors of the Church of Green, known affectionately as Feminists, will likely balk at returning to a life of such drudgery, unless it applies only to evangelical Christian Republican women, in which case it’s okay. The Green religion is, after all, part of the great international class war.

Wind power is the One True Source for power in the Green Catechism, even though today’s high tech wind generators can never produce more than a tiny fraction of the needed energy. Then too, it’s anathema to place even a single wind generator anywhere near sacred ground where the Favored Political Ruling Classes don’t want them placed, such as the Shrine of the Kennedy Compound at Hyannis Port because they will "pollute the views."

No, wind power is acceptable only if those huge, ugly, bird-killing contraptions are physically located in someone else’s backyard, ideally in the Land of the Unenlightened, known to the Elite as Flyover Country

So how can this mere layman truly get on board with the Great Green Crusade when even the officially approved CFL light bulbs, whose destiny by coercive lawmaking it is to replace all those conventional light bulbs, are dangerous to innocent house pets and their human guardians and to the environment since they contain toxic levels of mercury?

This, I think, is one of those eternal mysteries that perplex so many simple lay folk like myself.

Another problem is that most voters in America don’t believe that global warming is caused by us unworthy humans, which goes against the official scriptures.

And all of that, I confess, is why I am still sorely tempted by those libertarian Skeptics who espouse workable, rational solutions to matters of Green while frequently pointing out that nearly all official solutions pursued by The One True Shining Green Path require government coercion.

But you have told me that libertarians are heretics and that non-coercive free-market solutions are abominations because, well, they’re non-coercive free-market solutions.

Green, as my devout public taxpayer-funded prophets have explained to me, is progressive/socialist/Marxist ideology transmuted into theology and applied to environmental issues. Which makes Green, as I’ve professed, the spiritual light of the righteous and eternal Crusade of the Great International Class War Struggle.

When science becomes ideology, ecology becomes theology

So you see, I still don’t know which Higher Power to worship; Earth, Wind or Fire?

Your Humble Organic and Ecologically Sustainable Servant,
Mulcher Komposte
Greenville, Texas