Territorial tensions spilled over in the Midwest this month, as the century's old land dispute between Wisconsin and Michigan, regarding the Upper Peninsula, reached a tipping point. Perhaps driven by events in Ukraine, the Michigan State legislature has made a move to "protect the sovereignty of Michigan-born Americans residing in hostile lands." In short, Michigan invaded Wisconsin.
Citing increased, though generally unsubstantiated, aggression of Northern Wisconsinites toward ethnic Michiganders in the UP, the Michigan Department of Agriculture and Rural Development ordered the deployment of resources from the National Guard Armory at Menominee, to infiltrate and occupy strategic positions across the border in Marinette, WI.
Corporal Lester Ambrose, Sophomore in the ROTC program at Lake Superior State University, was on duty at the armory when the call came. "Basically, I was instructed to go down to Seguin's and establish a perimeter. I was the only one here at the time, so, yeah, it was just me."
Seguin's House of Cheese, a favorite among locals and travelers alike, was selected for its location along US Highway 41; a major artery connecting Marinette to Peshtigo, WI, and thus, civilization. The offensive was launched between Seguin's posted lunch hours and the traditional early dinner rush to minimize collateral damage. Patrons arriving for happy hour were slightly inconvenienced, if not downright disappointed, to have to walk around Corporal Ambrose, dug in at the hostess stand.
"No, I didn't shoot, or even stop anybody," said Ambrose. "My orders came from someone at the Office of Dairy Regulation and Consumer Affairs, and were pretty vague."
Responding quickly, the Obama Administration sent Vice President Joe Biden to quell the regional unrest. With Seguin's renowned bottomless-sundae-toppings bar serving as a backdrop, the Vice President delivered an impassioned address: "The Michigan State Regulatory Authority has an obligation to cease these hostilities, or risk its place in history."
Knowing Joe Biden would have no more effect on his place in history than he has on Vladimir Putin's, Ambrose was nonplussed. Unsure what he was supposed to be doing anyway, the corporal did agree to surrender the hostess stand, and even enjoyed sharing an iced tea with the Vice President during the ensuing, wholly unnecessary disarmament talks.
When asked to comment on the near-cataclysm, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker responded, "What is this, a joke?"