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President Obama cuts short worst vacation ever

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The President has elected to return early from his scheduled two-week family vacation on Martha's Vineyard, today. The political situation which was merely untenable when he left, has become positively apocalyptic. Experts from every position on the political prism agree the leader of the free world really ought to be in the White House during this tumultuous times. Truth is, though, the Obamas were just having an awful time.

The whole trip started poorly, and just got worse from there. The first family spent the first part of their vacation sitting on the South Lawn, for two excruciating hours, while the Marine One flight crew struggled to locate certain essentials:

We understand everyone was anxious to get going, but the President of these United States simply does not travel without a full compliment of lemon-soaked paper napkins.

-Rob Nabors, White House Deputy Chief of Staff

The problems didn't end upon take off, in fact they were just beginning. Five minutes into the flight, Cass Sunstein, the Director of the Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, emerged blithely from the the aircraft lavatory. Sunstein, regularly called upon to care for Bo and Sunny, the Obama's Portuguese Water Dogs, while the family takes vacation, was not aware the animals were not invited on this particular trip, and, thus, neither was he. The following hour was described as a feverish, as the Obamas searched desperately for a DC-area neighbor they could trust, who had not already flown back to their own home state.

Matters, as well as tensions between Sunstein and the family, worsened considerably upon arrival on Martha's Vineyard. Significant portions of the First Luggage apparently had not made it onto the aircraft, and the car reserved to transport the group to their hotel was too small by half. Transportation Secretary, Anthony Foxx, was blamed for the mishap and left to fend for himself.

"Despite the sobriquet, the role of the Transportation Secretary does not involve securing shuttle service from the airport. I had nothing to do with this." said a frustrated Foxx, stranded alone at the terminal taxi stand.

Meanwhile, international events had reached a boiling point. Hamas, to the surprise of no one broke the most recent ceasefire. Ebola continued its steady dissemination throughout the globe. The Russians again invaded Ukraine with trucks of weapons-grade humanitarian aid. ISIS besieged an entire race of helpless civilians in one of Iraq's more forbidding mountain ranges. And a riot broke out in Missouri after another kid got shot.

The President, according to Valerie Jarrett's twitter account, had all these matters well in hand. The Obama's despite significant setbacks, were then just settling down to enjoy a much needed respite, when they realized the rooms next to theirs were occupied by a delegation from the New England Sewing Machine Collectors' Society.

Now I'm prepared, in my line of work, to put up with a lot of hooey. But a hundred octogenarians, clacking away on about a thousand sewing machines, essentially in my bedroom? No freaking way!

-President Obama

The weary travelers will be arriving back in Washington later this morning where, an unconfirmed source reports, the president said he's never wanted to go back to work so badly in his life.

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