Although social workers and other experts can tell you a lot about the foster care and adoption process, they can't give you the nitty gritty details about the experience. Only someone who has been through the foster care or adoption process can tell you what it is really like. Of course, each individual experience will vary, perhaps to a great degree, depending on the personality and unique problems of each kid.
Our first personal interview in this series will be with Rebecca, an adoptive mom who stepped in to help out her own nieces and nephews.
Q: How did you become involved with adoption?
A: I was involved in the very beginning, not just the adoption part because I knew my sister, Heather, was not taking care of the kids the way she should have. There was evidence of abuse so all four kids came to live with me. Heather failed time and time again to comply with the courts and to complete tasks that St. Francis had given her. Since she wouldn't listen to the judge or take the advice of St. Francis she ended up having the kids put up for adoption. Now at that point when the kids needed to be adopted I told St. Francis, not so much my husband Trevor, that I wanted to adopt them.
Q: What are some of the best things you have experienced due to adoption?
A: The best experiences since the adoption has been a sense of great accomplishment for me because I have kept my promise to the kids. I have always told all four of them from the very begining that if anything happens they would always be with me and they wouldn't ever have to be adopted or taken care of by someone they don't know. Other things include going on vacations together, being able to get them up in the mornings and giving them hugs and kisses goodnight (I was able to do that from the day they came to live with me, but now I know I will always be able to do it), and being able to be a part of their school functions. The kids gained new family on my husband's side. They gained another set of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other extended family that have accepted them from the very beginning. With Trevor's (my husband's) side of the family they get to experience the farm life and they love it.
Q: What are some of the roughest issues you have been presented with as an adoptive parent?
A: The road to adoption was definitely a hard one to say the least. Before the adoption my sister got three 30 day trial periods to see if she could do it but every time it didn't even last 3 weeks so the kids were bounced back and fourth between my sister and I like it was a custody battle or something. That is what I disliked the most because every time they came back to me it was more tears, more questions as to why this was happening, and the kids were very sad. Each time we went to court it was always hard because my mom, grandma (my mom's mom), and my aunt (my mom's sister) would always come to me making a scene. My aunt came and asked me why I was doing this (when it was my sister making the wrong choices), my grandma came and got in my face asking me if I was intimidated by her, and then my mom would put her nose in the air when she would walk past me, and leave nasty voice messages when I was unable to answer my phone.
Q: Did the children you adopted have any special needs such as emotional, physical, developmental or other unique problems? If so, how did you deal with these issues?
A: Miquela (the oldest) has oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) and ADD. Izabella (the second child) tests MR due to her being behind in school. Cayden (the third child) has ADHD and OCD. Then there is Conner ( the last child), who has no diagnosis of any kind. Miquela and Cayden have therapy and they are both on medicine. Miquela is on Intunive to help with attention at school and it has helped a lot and I have seen a big difference in her grades in 3 weeks. Cayden is on asthma and ADHD medicine and it also has helped a lot with it. I just continue to help her with extra homework in the summer since she doesn't qualify for homeschool. With the adoption they needed to be placed together.
Q: Do your adopted children still have contact with their birth parents? If so, how has this affected them?
A: The kids do not have contact with their parents. All rights have been taken away and I don't see the point right now for continued contact. There are 3 different dads and all are in and out of jail constantly for drugs and alcohol. The girls have the same dad (Ben) and know who he is and every once in a while we will run into him at Wal-Mart. Ben will come over and say hi if he sees us. I don't want to be negative with the kids around so it is hard for me to tell him to go away and ignore us. Cayden's dad hasn't seen him since he was 6 months old and has never tried to make any contact and going through the adoption he only made contact with his court appointed lawyer one time that I can remember and he said he wasn't interested in Cayden. Conner's dad (Henry) was the big reason the kids were taken away in the first place and my sister and him went to Kentucky after he got out of jail and my sister is in Missouri living with yet another friend.
Q: What advice would you give to someone who is considering adoption or who finds themselves in a situation similar to yours?
A: I was adopted so I always knew I was going to adopt at least one child but I sure didn't expect to adopt my nieces and nephews. Adoption is a great way to do your part if you are able and a way to fullfil a child's dream to have a family no matter if it is a newborn or an older child. It has been a long road for my husband and the kids, but I would do it all again even if it meant going through the same hardships. Children are so special to me due to the fact that I am unable, for whatever reason, to have kids. If you are able to take family members who are being placed in foster care or being put up for adoption I really encourage it, it is always better for the child(ren) to be placed with family. I know adoption isn't for everybody and there are different circumstances involved, but if at all possible be there for the little ones in your family and if the child(ren) are placed in a foster home or adopted to other people try, if you can, to stay in their lives so someday when they get old enough to understand and meet their parents again they will still have a family connection.
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