Many parents assume that "Positive Discipline" would include "positive" actions such as rewarding children for good behavior. But true Positive Discipline" philosophy coined by author Jane Nelsen in 1981 does not recommend using rewards at to manage a child's behavior.
Rewards Don't Support the Definition of Discipline
In the latest edition of Positive Discipline (Ballentine Books, 2006) author Dr. Jane Nelsen acknowledges that many people equate discipline with a system of punishment and rewards. In the book, Nelsen explains that the word "discipline comes from the Latin word discipulus or disciplini, which mean a follower of truth, principle, or a venerated leader."
Nelsen goes on to write, "Children and students will not become followers of truth and principle unless their motivation comes from an internal locus of control, that is until they learn self-discipline. Both punishment and reward come from an external locus of control."
Alfie Kohn, the author of Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes (Mariner Books, 1999) also advocates that rewards are not healthy for children and do not produce positive long term results.
If Not Rewards, then What?
So how can parents be "positive" without using rewards? Jane Nelsen's book, Positive Discipline explains how parents must make a paradigm shift in their thinking on how children learn from mistakes and improve. The book offers a variety of ways for parents to be positive and discipline at the same time. But the "positive" in Positive Discipline isn't a short term warm-fuzzy based on prizes, stickers or smiley faces .
Positive Discipline tools inspire children to feel good on the inside and develop an internal locus of control as they learn to problem solve, clean up their own messes, make up for their mistakes, develop self calming skills and learn conflict resolution techniques. The Positive Discipline tools in the book are too many to mention here, but the list includes:
- Don't to things for children that they can do themselves. This includes dressing themselves, cleaning their own bathroom, packing backpacks, etc.
- Give a hug at the same time you say "no"
- Develop routines for mornings, homework and bedtime
- Allow children to problem solve (at an age appropriate level) about how to make amends or take responsibility and allow them to make up for their mistakes
Parents can get more information about alternatives to rewards at the Positive Discipline website and in a variety of Positive Discipline books and free podcasts.
Comments
I wish I knew this earlier!!!! My kid is 3 years old, is it too late to change now???? Any suggestions?
It is not too late to change. Check out Positive Discipline online. They also have NING network page. Get the book. We changed our ways to more positive parenting like this when our children were 7, 9, and 11. The healing is amazing. Blessings.
Although I don't think it can be simplified quite to this extent, it is true that rewards don't work for alot of children. My foster boys don't seem too motivated to work towards rewards, but they also wouldn't tolerate a hug when I tell them no due to their anger issues and the fact that some of them don't like to be touched. Routines can be useful as can teaching children problem solving strategies, although if I asked my boys how to make amends or take responsibility they would refuse to acknowledge they did anything wrong. Of course, I work with emotionally damaged children, which is probably a whole other ball game.
My wife and I follow the Love and Logic ideology. We have one slightly autistic boy and the other two boys just lost their dad a year ago. Emotionally damaged and hurting is the order of the day, but we have found that discipline through options and choices (mixed in with sticking to our proverbial guns even when it pains us to make them live with their choices) has really helped them to find a sense of order, structure, and personal responsibility. Your positive discipline practice sounds much the same as the Love and Logic series. We have found that continued parental education, heartfelt involvement and interaction, and a strong mix of learning on the fly is a great lesson in patience. And, the results are often comical and, in certain ways, fun to watch things click in their heads as they play out. Thank you for your article.
BigJer,
Yes, Positive Discipline and Love & Logic have many tools in common! So nice to read that you use your sense of humor and sense of wonder to parent. Those two tools alone can be lifesavers! And of course there's the "heart" part that you mentioned -- an essential part of parenting and what helps make it all worthwhile.
Thanks for your comment!
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