The Positive Discipline philosophy is based on work from Afred Adler, a psychologist who believed that humans, including children are primarily "social beings". Adler formed theories based on the premise that people (and children) want to be in relationship in others and in relationships in groups of people. Adler believed that we humans make most of our decisions based on this need to belong in a relationship and belong in a family, classroom, peer group, etc.
What is the primary goal of children?
Adler stated that the primay goal of all people is "belonging and significance". Whether we know it or not, Adler believed that all of our decisions, our behaviors and our misbehaviors are based on this one driving force. Adlerian theory proposes that children want to feel part of a group and their actions pivot around this goal.
Why do we humans choose mistaken goals of behavior?
Although we humans have a primary goal (as Adler believed) many of us aren't exactly sure how to achieve the feeling of "belonging and significance". Children are often very confused about what to do to experience the great feeling that they belong and are significant to the group or in a family. Children make attempts to belong to a group, but often fail because they have mistaken ideas about how to "belong". Adler named these mistaken ideas, "mistaken goals".
What are the mistaken goals?
Adler believed that children usually adopt one or more mistaken ideas about how to belong. He believed that much misbehavior is created by children focusing on one or more of these "mistaken goals". The four mistaken goals are
- Undue Attention: Children may mistakenly believe that the way to belong is to keep others busy with them.
- Misguided Power: Children may mistakenly believe that in order to belong, they need to be controlling other or controlling a situation or at least proving that others can't boss them around.
- Revenge: Childen who don't feel that they belong are hurt. If they don't know any other tools to deal with the hurt, they can at least hurt back.
- Assumed Inadequacy: Children may mistakenly believe that there is no way to belong so they give up and assume they are inadequate at belonging.
What do I do to help my child change his or her goals?
In all of the Positive Discipline books, Jane Nelsen and her co-authors discuss how to determine your child's mistaken goals and what parenting tools can help children learn how to feel a true sense of belonging and significance. In addition, many web articles written by Jane Nelsen and other Positive Discipline Trainers offer more information about dealing with a child's misbehavior by looking through the lens of mistaken goals.
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