There is a scourge loose in the halls of the Environmental Protection Agency. At the offices of Region 8, located in Denver, one anonymous employee (or perhaps a cabal of evildoers) plotted, ironically enough, to ruin the environment of the office. According to a letter sent earlier this year (and obtained by Government Executive on Wednesday), the EPA has had to formally reprimand its employees for, among other things, pooping in the hallway.
That's right, the good people who are tasked with keeping grass green are having issues keeping their feces in the bathroom. Perhaps they're just operating under the assumption that good fertilizer is useful anywhere. Or maybe it's someone who's just looking to spice up their daily routine with a little incredibly disgusting anarchy. Either way, the EPA wants everyone to know that they're taking this situation very seriously.
So seriously, in fact, that the people at the EPA brought in John Nicoletti, whose website proclaims him to be "a national expert in police psychology, violence risk assessment, workplace and school violence prevention, as well as crisis intervention and trauma recovery." Nicoletti assessed the crime scene and proclaimed for all to hear, "Pooping on the floor of the office is bad." Thank God the EPA had to spend tax dollars to determine that defecating in a public area isn't behavior you should reward.
In his advice to the EPA, Nicoletti also concluded that the guilty party was a serial public pooper. He or she (but, let's be honest, it's probably a dude) might repeat and even escalate the "very dangerous" behavior. We have no idea what that escalation might entail, be it fecal matter in creative locations (email me, poop bandit, I have ideas) or simply switching to a fresh bodily function (though where do you go from crap?). At any rate, Nicoletti seemed convinced that it would happen again.
In response to the scandal, EPA spokesman Richard Mylott said in a statement:
“EPA cannot comment on ongoing personnel matters. EPA’s actions in response to recent workplace issues have been deliberate and have focused on ensuring a safe work environment for our employees. Our brief consultation with Dr. Nicoletti on this matter, a resource who regularly provides our office with training and expertise on workplace issues, reflects our commitment to securing a safe workplace.”