Parenting: No single roadmap to successful adult kids

While many of these traits may be true of my offspring in varying degrees, none of these web sites list "stubbornness" or "non-conformist" within their flowery descriptions. Recently I rented the Aaron Sorkin film The Social Network, an award-winning depiction of Mark Zuckerman, the bad boy who created Facebook and his rise to billions.  Also included in the story was the young man who created Naptser, another smart-mouthed  (but non-schooled) know-it-all who, like Zuckerman, had a vision that catapulted an idea into reality. Both these young men, unlike their surrounding upstanding characters, could be heartless and I could imagine the parents of both pulling their hair out wondering how they would turn out someday.

I drew some parallels from this story, but not all served to explain my daughter's success. Preschool teachers, rapid-learner class instructors, parochial school personnel -- people in authority positions all the way through my daughter's high school years knew our home phone number almost by heart, reporting on behaviors our daughter displayed that were not in keeping with the rules.  I have tp admit that I sometimes cried and sometimes (surreptitiously) laughed, studying my only child like a science experiment while drawing lines in the sand over her privileges in order to send her the message that it was NOT okay to bend the rules. It was difficult to determine at the time whether I was getting through to her and my frustration levels took me to therapists to find out what I may have been doing wrong.

By the time she reached high school age, she seemed to quiet down a bit from her antics, but once she ran track, played soccer, and attended proms, I could see her checking out before my very eyes. She grew bored, caring little about her appearance or whether she got up in time for school. She insisted that she wasn't learning anything any more and that high school was a total waste of time, while pulling off decent enough grades perhaps just to spite those in authority.  At the end of my rope and working from home at the time (and over her father's objections although he didn't know what to do either), I enrolled her in an independent home study program run by a local school district. She had math and science tutors, took some advanced placement classes at a local junior college, and the rest was up to me. We attended plays, read and analyzed books together and by the time she turned 18, she had her diploma.

At first, college seemed like something she might consider. But her initial goal was to attend an out-of-state school for which we were not prepared to pay the hefty tuition. So she moved to that state to get a job and establish residency at first. Then she decided she just wanted to stay and be on her own. It was about that time that her father and I found ourselves going our separate ways after nearly 20 years.  It was a scary time for me, going through watershed changes of my own while watching her take chances that made no earthly sense as she flitted from job to job, living in rented rooms with other people her age. But she always stayed in touch. And as she told me of every risk she took, I tried not to overreact, knowing to do so might alienate her altogether. I remember telling her repeatedly that she should plan for a future that did not include working for others. Find a passion and follow it, but be the boss no matter what; the alternative would be a life of disappointment for not only her, but for those who would expect cooperation from her.

By the time she turned 21 and had not touched her modest college fund, I purchased a slightly used but soon-to-be-treasured Hasselblad camera for her birthday. Her interest in photography had always been off the charts so I decided giving her a tool of the trade might spur her to her path in life.  Before long, she began taking pride in her appearance once again, dumped a toxic boyfriend and even moved close to her parents.   Her photographs began to appear in a few galleries. And shortly after that, she moved into a room of the home I shared with her new stepfather to start an eBay store full of vintage women's clothing, using a digital camera to photograph her offerings on slender college girls to whom she payed a few bucks and hour in exchange for portfolio shots they could use to get better assignments. Within another year or so, she abandoned eBay and launched her own web site with the help of a high school friend who now works for her.

The rest is history. But all of it has been an amazing journey to witness in a condensed period of time.  My little troublemaker found her footing entirely on her own while I stood on the sidelines wondering if I had been a terrible parent-- either too permissive or too punitive -- as many parents do.

I think my point is that while young, successful people must possess many or all the traits listed in web sites like those I mentioned, they find their paths in entirely different ways. And not all of them are stellar scholars, quirky savants or heartless narcissists (like Zuckerman), even though I honestly believe that one of my daughter's motivators was to prove everyone wrong regarding their opinions of her. If that's what it took to lead her down this road, I can't say it's not a good impetus. All I know is that she is now a job creator instead of a job hunter and that that part in all this is priceless.

If you have a live-wire nearly-grown child that defies the norms but one with whom you can manage to stay connected, I believe it's important to let him or her embark on an independent journey of choice, even if you find it difficult to fathom.  At a certain point, your job will basically be done, and all you can do it sit in the bleachers, watch from afar and cheer on as he or she experiments with the future. Letting go is one of the most difficult things a parent can do. But knowing that you did all you could to make good human beings out of them is the one thing you will always carry with you.

And that is oftentimes enough.