Be in charge of the car radio. Start there.
Many parents of teenagers are so leery of any backlash that they go far out of their way to avoid it. As a result they become doormats to their teen. It's understandable. Teens have quick, sharp tongues when they don't wish to comply with orders, even those asked in the most polite ways. They will say they are busy, tired, overburdened with homework, overscheduled, you name it. Only a truly cruel parent would add to these poor kids lives by asking that they clean their room, turn off their phone, or run an errand. More likely the parent loves their child enough to weather the verbal assault in an effort to shape an unselfish, contributing member of the family and society.
The expression "choose your battles" defines the current mindset of parents of teens. It implies that battles are so numerous that engaging in all of them is not humanly possible. Likewise, it shows that some battles, no matter how legitimate engaging in them might be, necessarily have to be abandoned. What are these battles? There's the battle to clean their room, clear their dishes, mow the lawn, or even just change clothes. Oh the horror.
Today's parents were raised with expectations to do all these things and much more. And without sass. But many felt put upon and vowed to raise their own kids differently. One of the regrettable changes in parenting theory was the one that espoused that the family was a democracy. Parents went from authorities to peers but it didn't stop there. Many parents today hold a status equal to the family dog. Or worse, depending on the dog.
But as long as there is life, there is still chance for repair. Back to the radio. Many parents feel forced to listen to music they hate when they are passengers in their teen's car and also when driving their own car. In no setting are they the decider. This defies basic fairness. And fairness is a big deal to teenagers. Parents interested in reversing the hierarchical structure of the family can start there. Success there will empower bolder moves.
The first step to any rule change is education. Several days ahead parents should remind teens that new rules are coming. Get the grousing out of the way. Then rules must be enforced faithfully and calmly.
One way to reduce repetitive nagging is for parents to plant themselves in their teen's room till a task is done. Teens are rabidly territorial when it comes to their space and they will amaze parents how fast they take their dirty clothes or trash to the proper receptacle if mom sits on their bed till it's done.
Every day should include a drop-in friendly visit to a teen's bedroom. It may be short, and at times unpleasant, but this small gesture belies great caring. Parents must become deaf to protest about these visits. Teens with parents that work at communication are the envy of those whose parents gave up.
Teenagers seem to challenge us to love them. They behave in ways that seem to dare us to come near them. Dare us to apply rules. Dare us to touch them. Parents must gather all the strength they can muster, inhale deeply and take those steps toward their teen.
Throwing in the towel and leaving teenagers alone like they say they want is not an option. Parents must be like that old blowup clown punching bag that keeps popping back up after every hit. In the end, the punching stopped and there stood the clown, smiling.
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