It struck me the other day that the Internet is ruining my parenting mojo. Since joining Facebook, I have to yell at my kids much more, since they keep interrupting me when I try to play Mafia Wars. Don’t they understand I have priorities? Don’t they know that I can’t cook dinner right now, or help with homework, because I just received an energy refill? I have to Shake Down a Council Member first, after which I need to Take Control of a Casino. It’s not as if they’ll starve; I just fed them this morning. Besides, they know where to find the fridge.
Being on Facebook is much nicer than thinking about day-to-day issues, like the fact that my daughter is out of clean underwear and why my son keeps sticking the business end of a marker in his mouth. Complete strangers send me gifts, like turkey silencers, free fish, and something called a “Yummy” plant. They want to be my neighbors, they want me to join vague and pointless groups and causes, and help me save the rain forest by purchasing garden sculptures. It’s all so fascinating, I feel so loved, and I don’t have to shower before I interact with all these strangers.
Twitter isn’t much better; “What are you doing?” my daughter asks, just as I am re-tweeting a fabulously funny article by Joel Stein about legalized Marijuana.
“Eh, nothing,” I tell her. “Go away. Mommy’s working.” As she slouches off, I start to wonder whether my Vampire points have refilled yet, and whether my clan members are voting for me. Better make a quick check.
Since my kids won’t give up, and constantly demand attention, it might be time to get them their own blackberries. I could parent-via-twitter, sending them tweets like:
“Clean up your room.” (19 characters)
“Have you finished your homework? Then go set the table. Please.” (63 characters)
“I love you.” (11 characters)
“Take that out of your mouth right now.” (38 characters)
Seriously, it would be such a time saver. I could send a tweet to one kid, who can then re-tweet it to the other one. Also, there would not be any discussion about “what I really meant” and stuff like that. It would be on the screen, clear as day. We could even invent a new term; to fit in with the twitter dictionary. We can call it “Pwittering”, or “Pareeting”. It could catch on. Wouldn’t it be great? We’d never have to interact face-to-face again.
(And yes, I'm tweeting this article)
If you enjoyed this article, you may also like:
Birthday cocooning is the new cool,
(Not) planning for summer camp, or
How to kill small rodents without your kids noticing
Comments