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Outrage in Newport Beach over Australian Open

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People calmly stormed the piers in Newport Beach on Sunday morning, outraged that the male winner of the Australian Open was the wrong Swiss.

Resident Peter Jacobs demonstrated in Bermuda shorts and a striped polo shirt. "I thought Roger Federer was the best tennis player in the world. Now there's another Swiss guy winning slams?" He shrugged. "Guess things change."

Jacobs was later seen eating waffles with his wife, Tanya. They clearly didn't care what they ate anymore, as life no longer made sense.

Eight year-old Sarah Williams was passive-aggressive in her approach to the upset. "Who's Roger Federer?" she asked blankly, as if she didn't know.

College freshman Lola Nunez was absurd as she plodded along the beach with her surfboard, a smile on her face. "I like Wawrinka and I'm happy for him. Stan's the man!" she cried.

None of her friends were aware of her interest in tennis. Troy McGinnis said, "She once thought Tiger Woods was an actual tiger. This is crazy."

In today's rankings, Stanislas Wawrinka is #3 in the world in tennis. Roger Federer is #8.

Scientists are taking a break from studying the Grand Unified Theory to research a potential link between this bizarre tennis phenomenon and the shift in the Earth's magnetic field.

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