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Our cats want to take acting lessons!

Cat wears sunglasses to avoid paparazzi
Cat wears sunglasses to avoid paparazzi
Photo by Chris Weeks/Getty Images

I haven’t written about our cats in many months. It’s not that they aren’t just as charming as they always are, but they haven’t done anything remarkable that warrants notation.

However, I am proud to say that two of our cats will be appearing in a national anthology in a month or so. Both Holly and Millie are ecstatic at this. I hear them chattering to the birds outside, telling them about their upcoming fame. I think they’re hoping to sign autographs with the neighborhood cats, when this book comes out in September. Next thing I know, they will probably want to take acting lessons, and have head shots taken. I know for certain that they are now LA cats with all this stardom going to their heads. I’ll probably give in to their demands, and see what happens.

Perhaps with their newly claimed fame, I can get them some commercial work doing Friskies ads, or even Fancy Feast. With the residuals from these commercials, I can probably invest in a couple of those electric catboxes, so that I don’t have to deal with the litter anymore.

They’re both so photogenic, that I know that they will at least get a call back if either of them auditions for a part. Here’s how the audition will probably go.

"Millie McGrath, please step to the podium.”

Millie will saunter up and attempt to sing the Star-Spangled Banner. She won’t get very far since she sings worse than a horse in heat, so they will probably drag her off the stage. Then they will probably put her on American Idol just to have someone terrible join the ranks.

If Holly auditions, she would simply sit there and be beautiful. In Los Angeles, that is usually enough for anyone to get a part in a commercial or small independent film. But if Holly were to open her mouth, they would see that she has really bad breath, so kissing scenes would be out of the question. She would probably do well doing a toothpaste commercial, but you know how cats love to have their teeth brushed, so I’m not sure if this would work. Maybe some hair product commercial would work, since she’s a Ragdoll.

Our third cat Sparky is really runway material, but for some reason his photo was not chosen to be in this book, and he complains about this everyday. He looks at all the books on my bookshelf longingly, and I know he wonders why he wasn’t included in this anthology.

"Sparky, you know how this businesses is. It’s a combination of luck, tenacity, good looks, and connections. Perhaps we can enroll you in law school, but then again that doesn’t guarantee that you will find work after you graduate. Maybe you can be a gigolo, because we all know how handsome you are, and how you love to make out with my ear in the morning.“

Sparky nods, and rolls over in the sun.

It’s hard keeping three cats happy in this house. They all have varying personalities, and distinct needs. I tried to listen to their problems as best as I can, but I’m not always successful. Inevitably, one of them feels rejected, and goes and hides behind the sofa or under the coffee table. On a really bad day, one of them will choose to barf on my shoes, or make my life even more enjoyable with hacking out a fur ball. I won’t even go into what happens with the catbox.

That’s best left for the imagination.