Why men cheat
As the pictures emerge of the other woman, Rachel Uchitel, in the Tiger Woods’ story, one might first react with, “oh, she’s a stunner! Of course he had an affair.” The slideshow below shows that Ms. Uchitel is indeed a lovely lady. And some might gander that the next assumption, perhaps too common in our current way of thinking, is this: beautiful woman plus wealthy man means some cheatin’ has been going on. Oh, we are a horny, insatiable bunch now, aren’t we, quick to jump to conclusions?
Once again, Modern Love doesn’t want to focus on the speculations of how Tiger got dazed (or dazzled) in this accident/golf-club/rumor-mill triangle. No proof of infidelity has been demonstrated, just the word of a 'friend' who may have been paid to tattle on Ms. Uchitel. I’m more interested in exploring the bigger picture of our assumptions about what men want in a woman, and why they may cheat, even if married to someone as lovely as Elin Woods.
Men like women who are easy
There is more to that basic assumption than first meets the eye. Those of us who have never been a size two supermodel with a sexy accent take advantage of our wing position to observe human courtship and sexuality. It comes as no surprise then to learn that men don’t cheat because the new lover is a hottie. They usually do for a variety of reasons, and often, when you probe below the surface, it is about escape: from boredom, from restriction, from hurt, from fear.
And men, I’ve come to notice, are moths to a flame to women who have a certain kind of flair. The French call it je ne sais quoi. Such women have a certain magic that draws people near. They are vivacious, emotionally available, receptive and engaged. They like people, but more importantly, they genuinely like themselves. And it shows in the sparkle in their eyes, the softness of a smile, an inner glow that says, “come hither, I do not bite, but I may just nibble a bit.” They don’t even have to be the prettiest in the crowd, and often are not.
Does this mean a spouse will cheat? Of course not. A rooster that is well fed (in every sense of that word) at home is less likely to crow elsewhere.
We like to assume that women are the more intuitive sex, but men have their own sixth sense about relationships too. And what I’ve learned is this: smart men use these abilities. Just as we size them up, they size us up, and they are actually quite good at distinguishing whether a woman is self-assured (or arrogant), sweet (or saccharine), and sharp-witted or (sharp-tongued). They may not use the same words, but they ferret out quickly if a woman is desperate, bitter, or incredibly hard to please.
When it comes to relationships, Modern Love believes that men often just want someone who is easy, as in easy to be with. (Ironically, if they are just looking for sex, they don’t care how easy she is to get along with, just how easy she is to bed). Is it hard to blame them? Don’t we all want to be with someone who’s easy in this same sense, that is, easy to talk with, easy to be vulnerable with, easy to laugh with, easy to be ourselves with? Je ne sais quoi: The French use fewer words, but at the end of the day, it’s all the same.
Tigers and roosters, wives and lovers, rumor and innuendo: it’s a wonder he’s managed to guard his private life so well until now. I’m sure the Woods miss the good old days when it was still easy for them to maintain their marriage behind the protection of their carefully guarded lives. For now, Modern Love truly hopes that the denials are true: Rachel Uchitel 'no homewrecker' denies affair with Tiger Woods. Because just as there are assumptions about why men may cheat, there are assumptions about pretty women.
Updates and related columns:
Racism behind obsession with Tiger and Elin Woods' marriage, rumors
Tiger Woods' statement addresses accident, rumors, mistress allegations
Follow me on twitter: ModernLoveWritr. Send email questions/comments to tmbsdre@yahoo.com.
All Modern Love Examiner articles ©2009 by Tinamarie Bernard; reposts permitted with link back to original article. All other rights reserved.
Comments
Holy moley, girlfriend! You've shot up to the top of the National Examiners today - nice job. But where are all the comments?
Here's one: Tiger Woods is a good-looking, filthy rich, world-famous man who probably gets women (and men) throwing themselves at him left and right. Obviously, he wouldn't be the first to have an affair, and many wouldn't blame him. Other great sports heroes like Wilt Chamberlain have claimed thousands of "conquests."
Ach, I'm at a point in life where I don't give a hoot what men want in a woman. Phew - so glad that's over with.
But thanks for the helpful insights as usual. Keep up the great work!
And look at those beautiful kids.
Tinamarie,
You've hit a home run here with your insight on "easy to be with and "easy to talk to." That contentment, that harmony, is our heart's true desire.
Thank you for the resplendent analysis.
You need to have a mechanism to remove the kind of racist garbage from people like cuthean (above). It's about as vicious and depraved as I've seen anywhere on any blog.
Dear Lee,
I do and I will. Readers, please note the comment guidelines below before posting your comments. Respectfully, Modern Love Examiner
This whole thing is unreal. If he had just come right out and nipped the story in the bud it would not have gotten this far.
I was just forwarded a pretty funny account of what might have happened that night...you should check it out:
minivanmonologues[dot]blogspot[dot]com
I love your the way you put your thoughts into writing.
Dear Readers,
Thank you for the compliments and the recomendations! Anything to advance the message of modern love is key for me. Best/T
You know Black men can't resist the White stuff
those mongrels are disgusting.
what a gross whore.
I think his wife is prettier, she looks like a plastic bimbo and could you scrape that make up off with a putty knife. Gross - home wrecking whore - Enjoy your 15 minutes honey.
I wonder how the race mixer feels now, with 2 mongrels that look nothing like her.
nice job, brainwashed whore.
Leave the man alone. So what if he got into a match with his wife...so what? How many of us have gotten upset and out of the garage and hit something along the way? Leave the man alone...he's not picking a fight with anyone...and if the golf club was part of the rif raf so be it...Good for Mrs W thats a way to defend herself...so what...and the FHP come'on guys like little children trying to view through a peep hole...you guys just have to keep going...go find something productive to do!!!
Stupid article, waste of print
everybodyknows
I bet she feels wealthy, attractive and successful - feelings you will never know
um... Uchitel is the furthest thing from stunning. With that being said, change the title. And I understand your role of an observer, but the preceding clause that you are not size 2 supermodel looking woman is pretty useless. Jealous much that you are not one of them? Size and beauty do not matter in a cheating situation. It is not a qualification to be an observer. Anybody can find themselves in a similar one as you pointed out- escape from boredom, breaking the rules and feeling incincible, curiosity, and what not? Somehow I feel the malicious tone that pertty skinny women are being cheated on, and it makes you feel good inside.
Senseless article. Guys, go find another story.
Thanks for making a point that men cannot deal with responsibility even if they are billionaires. Pretty pathetic when you think of it...BTW, Ms. Uchitel looks like a washed up $2 whore well beyond her better years...sleeping with married men must be exhausting...
It's likely true that most affairs outside of marriage are 'cheating' but, there of course may be mutual agreement to have sex with others and openly communicate about it. Doubt if that's the case with Tiger. When communication is guarded it's bound to happen with men in circumstances where it's easy to do.
Escorts are easily found on the internet and, pretty safe. Two people married are always both at fault. Where's communication and agreements. Love's not enough. There must be some hidden agenda on Obama?
"a size two supermodel" is not sexy to any normal man. Unfortunately, the "fashion" industry and Hollywood has succeeded in greatly reducing the number of normal men.
Dear John,
I agree with you, and have oft written about women's diminishing size and its implications. Few things stir up the nest as much as this topic in my columns, and as you may have noted, others assume that means I must be uncomfortable in my own skin, instead of catching the satire. Best/T
Dear Unbelievable,
Actually, I think I make the point that men are responsible. I'm giving them credit here for being intuitive, insightful, and able to distinguish a woman's real character.
John, and if the normal looking men decided to resist that image of non- sexy super skinny women, Hollywood and the fashion industry could change. Refuse to watch Transformers, anything with Diane Cruger or Angelina! Truth is, size 2 supermodels are sexy and beautiful. Truth is, I doubt you like Beth Ditto or America Ferrera, but I am pretty sure you have wet dreams about Megan Fox, Eva Longoria, Gisele Bundhen, Adriana Lima and Freida Pinto. As for TinaMarie, I said, those details were pretty useless. They brought nothing new to the article,not changed anything. You shouldn't feel bad about your body, Tina, but neither should you put such an emphasis on it so that those of us, who have it, should feel unrealistic or uncomfortable, or... God knows what your point was!
Dear Vanessa Laine Bryant,
First of all, thank you for revisiting to add to the discussion. As for my body, I'm quite pleased with it. It has carried me with grace and given me much pleasure including two children, and I've been called a hottie enough times to know that God was kind. With that said, I tend to throw in satirical wit now and again, and one hidden agenda of this column was to NOT JUDGE a person by their looks. My comment about size 2 was satire. Media has done great harm to our concepts of beauty. While all those women you mentioned are quite beautiful, there are many who feel invisibil whose beauty doesn't fit the current paradigm of ideal. In the Rubenesque era, none of them would have been given high marks. Preferences change, and men of different generation reflect this.As for Ms. Uchitel - there are those who think she is pretty, and those who don't. It's a moot point given the subjective nature of attraction.
(con't) I hope this clears that up, so the substantive part of the column can shine.
As for your comments regarding pretty, think women - there is nothing wrong with being a size 2 if its your natural set point, you don't have to diet yourself to oblivion, your energy levels and health are not compromised. However, you have sparked an interest on another topic idea, something I'd like to discuss off line. If you revisit this column and see this comment, please respond to me privately. My email is tmbsdre@yahoo.com. Given your obvious interest in this topic, and it's potential to help heal other women who are struggling with their body image, I do hope to hear from you. Respectfully, Tinamarie tmbsdre@yahoo.com
This Rachel, with her thick (botox?) lips is no beauty; she is close to being pretty ugly. She has some nice individual features, but when taken togeter, they do not come within ten galaxies of the natural beauty possessed by Tiger's wife (or should we now call her 'partner' - as in I own 1/2 of his money!). The real question remains is why men of Tiger's prestige and status leave beauty to cavort with the beast? Look at Elliot Spitzer. His wife was beauty and she had class - and he goes with some plumb average looking beast (but a great body!)
My bet is she simply wasn't taking care of business. he wanted it. She didn't.
Tinamarie, let's not oversimplify the discussion. Yes, I am planning to email you personally, and i generally like your othet things you write. For some reason, I failed to get your irony or humor regarding the size 2 body types. It was absolutely useless, unless your idea was to tell your readers that, "hey, see, pretty skinny blondes are being cheates on too." And get an inner gratification from their public humiliation.
I never meant to say you should feel bad about your body. Nobody should, regardless of their size. I thought that was your idea in your reply. But hen you choose to put that detail right there,you automatically cancel anything you might say after that about women and feeling comfortable in the skin they are.
Rachel is not stunning. You oversimplify my statement. I am not saying she is ugly, but next to Elin the woman has no chance. Eveyone would comfirm this. It is not like comparing Jolie and Aniston, where we have 50-50.Yes, some people wprobably find her
her pretty, but I am sure there are people, who think Star Jones is cute! Obviously, we invest different meaning in the words we use. To me a "stunner" means attractive and physically appealing by the majority.
Good for you that feel great in your skin. As for Jon- he probably likes chunky women. Good for him too, but he shouldn't be generalizing for all men. I have to add, that there is a difference between curvy and chunky. Curvy is the ratio between hips-waist-bust. And yes, Skinny women can be curvy: Fergie, Alba, Renee. He doesnt like size 2, let him go and find larger sizes if this is the way he selects his girls.
As for you being called hot, I am just adding, if this makes you feel great, "atta girl!" Although, to me hot does not equate headturner or stunner. "Hot" has this cheap connotation of being sexually attractive. "Stunning" means pretty, beautiful and aesthetically pleasing. You can be hot and have no class. Anf I do not mean personally you. Just themisuse of words.
And no the image of skinny women would not go away. It looks hard to attain and unfortunately, in our world, challenges and hard to achieve things are most coveted and valued.
I am sure when Reubens type women were all the hype there were slim women who suffered and abused their bodies to gain weight. Being that fat causes the same problems to our organs as today's methods some women use to stay skinny.Unless we stop paying attention and emphasizng body weight in articles when it does not atter, we are not going to change anything! Real women don't have curvesm real women come in all shapes.Needless to say I am seriously irked by Miss Ferrera's first major role in that stupid movie. Needless to ask why Miss Ferrera lost so much weight since then?
Hi Vanessa,
Glad you checked in, please email me privately. tmbsdre@yahoo. That is my 'screener' email, and I'll check it and we'll carry this conversation off-line. I'll just say that you've touched on another important issue, the 'semantics' of sex and beauty. For me, stunner means something different than for you - yes, it can mean beautiful, but a person can also be 'stunned' by a heavy object, and that ain't no 'pretty' experience at all.
Please, off -line. Best, T
I thought the article made some good points. I personally am glad that Elin is leaving. No one, neither women or men, should endure that level of betrayal. To stay for money would have brought Elin down to the same level as her betrayers.
I'm a man though not a multi-millionaire and I wouldn't have one of those "women". I have never understood why guys go for easy/cheap women. I don't want a woman that has no self-worth. I don't want what anyone can have and probably has had. I have been married almost 30 years and like belonging to someone, I am her man.
The notion that if you bang 10 women once in a month you are a stud in contrast to you are boring if you make love you your wife twenty times in that same time period.
My question is what women want from a man. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Tiger isn't giving any of these women much as far as sex goes. One woman said she had sex with Tiger six times in eighteen months, I guess she doesn't expect much in a relationship.
JRR
Oh one last point; I have never talked to a man who admitted he cheated due to lack of sex at home. There was always some more self serving reason like because I could or she was hot or I dunno I was drunk.
I haven't seen one of the "other women" in this story I thought was a "Stunner". I don't see what that has to do with anything. You should stay faithful unless someone better looking comes along?
It all comes down to a single point to me. These guys, like so many others these days want it easy. A friend of mine once told me he hated long term relationships, as soon as there is a commitment there is expectations. He kept several relationships going all at the same time. He would loose some gain some more. He kept it casual they never complained. He liked the single but it was even better if they were married they wouldn't complain who are they going to complain to. He never had to take them anywhere buy them anything he could come and go as he pleased. If they asked too much he could simply cut them loose. When I reminded him if he has seven women they probably have several men too. He said he didn't care. Maybe they are on to something? I hope not but it seems to be the norm any more
I have to strongly disagree with comments about Uchitel not being a "stunner". Of the pictures and video I've seen of her she is unquestionably a stunner; more than any of Tiger's other mistresses she throws an incredibly sexy vibe. And for anyone thinking I'm an exception, think again. Of the online poll (conducted by hollywoodgossip.com) done on who *should* have won Tiger's Mistress Pageant amongst his most prolific mistresses by Howard Stern (barred from competing due to public denials, she was included in the poll) Uichitel took it home and it wasn't really close. With a tally of 56330 voters (1 vote only strictly enforced) Uichitel took 22% over ultra hot playboy model Loredana Jolie (18%) and actual winner Jamie Jungers (12%). A broad swath of men would agree with you TinaMarie; Rachel is not only beautiful, she is ABSOLUTELY stunning. Included in her "je ne sais quoi" quality is an innate feral sexuality that makes her irresistable.
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