Women like to blame their partner when they don’t have orgasms. Many women aren’t able to have any orgasms and an even larger percentage of women can only have clitoral orgasms, and not vaginal ones. This is not the man’s fault. I’m not saying that some men aren’t better in bed than others, but ultimately women who don’t have orgasms simply don’t know how, no matter who they are having sex with.
I believe that it is a woman’s responsibility to know her body well enough to be able to bring herself to orgasm with or without a man. Only then can she teach her mate what he needs to do.
Masturbation is the best way to Orgasms
A few years ago, I had a late night radio show called Passion Phones where people called in and asked me for advice on their sexual issues. Although I was able to help them, I was often surprised about how little women know about having orgasms or even their own bodies. I also conducted a sex survey for Complete Woman magazine and compiled all the data, which was even more shocking that women seemed to be one of two types – either well-versed in orgasms or they knew nothing. I also gave seminars at a local upscale sex toy store and taught women how and when to use certain sex toys on themselves to bring themselves to orgasm. I told them how important it is for them to keep themselves sexually active by making sure they always had orgasms whether or not they had a man in their lives.
It is very surprising and upsetting to me that the younger women of today are less likely to masturbate than give BJ’s, meaning they’re more likely to focus on his orgasm than their own. In fact, most women are embarrassed when I ask them if they masturbate, and in fact, many tell me they won’t do it even if it will improve their sex lives.
My female clients in my therapy practice who have difficulty with sex fight me when I ask them to take charge of their orgasms, and are slow to try to do what is necessary to become sexual again. Many have given up and don’t want sex with their husbands, and certainly don’t want to learn to masturbate. These women say they can’t even imagine getting themselves into a sexual mood again.
How to Get Yourself in a Sexual Mood
First clear your head of all things like work, kids, housework, etc. Then decide you’re going to enjoy your body and be sexual and think of nothing else. Touch your body lightly at first and get in touch with how good it feels. Below is an excerpt from a book by Brenda Venus: Secrets of Seduction for Women:
- Use Imagery: Think, “I’m beautiful, I’m wonderful, I’m special, I love my breasts, my legs, my hair, my womanhood.
- Turn off the world: music, a bubble bath, candles, oils on your body,
- Wear certain kinds of clothing, silky lingerie, leather, lycra, gowns in lace, tight jeans – whatever makes you feel like the “It” girl.
- Drink wine or champagne
- Read romance novels or watch a sexy video (different than the porn men watch), or think back to a sexy experience you’ve had.
Interestingly, about 50% of women say they masturbate whereas 9 out of 10 men masturbate or self-stimulate. The average frequency is once a week or month for women (sometimes daily for men). The more educated a woman is, the more likely she is to masturbate. Most women just use their hands, but 40% use sex aids: sex toys, fruits, vegetables, scarves, pillows, oils and lotions. Very few women (unlike men) watch porn or look at sexy magazines to get excited.
Many clients, readers of my books, and callers on the radio have told me they simply don’t know how to masturbate.
How to Masturbate Yourself to Orgasm
For Clitoral Orgasm:
- Take your two index fingers and put them on each side of your labia.
- Push together with pressure and make the clitoris pop out and become more accessible and to create more blood flow to that area.
- Take your middle finger and rub your clitoris in a way that feel good to you (sometimes it’s soft and sometimes hard).
- Tighten your buttocks and legs as you do this which creates more pressure and blood flow to that area.
- Rub faster and faster until you experience a clitoral orgasm.
For a Vaginal Orgasm:
- Prep yourself by following the instructions for a clitoral orgasm, but stop yourself before you orgasm.
- Insert your finger or sex toy or whatever you choose.
- Move the object up and down, in and out, and around a little.
- At the same time you can continue to stimulate your clitoris or any other part of your body that feels good to you.
- Use your mind to think about how the intensity is building and focus only on that until you experience a vaginal (and maybe clitoral at the same time) orgasm.
Remember you need to become a connoisseur of your own body and learn what turns you on. It is not the man’s responsibility whether or not you orgasm, it’s yours. He only plays a part in it, and most men really are trainable. They just need you to show them what to do.
Look for my upcoming article on “How to Control Your Own Orgasms with Men.”
For more Information, connect with me on my Website and sign up for 52 Free Relationship Tips.
Follow me on Twitter.
Comments