An Oregon Arctic researcher's recent report of a shocking, geophysical change at the north pole caused a stir among his colleagues and prompted a vigorous debate.
Archibald Mentiro, professor of Arctic science at the Oregon Institute of Meterological Research in Brothers, claimed the north pole is slowly slipping into the sea due to the warming influence of cosmic rays from outer space.
The report, which was delivered at the annual conference of the Oregon Society of Arctic Geophysicists, was received by members of the society with a mixture of dismay and disbelief. Several demanded an investigation of Mentiro's research protocol, claiming that in the past his research was not entirely by the book.
Mentiro, a large man with a thick black beard and beady eyes, was outraged at the insinuation that his methods weren't above board. He glared at his fellow scientists and said in a menacing voice, “I can prove it.” He then displayed pictures of the pole he had taken earlier this year and ten years earlier.
It was clear from the pictures that the pole had indeed slipped -- five whole centimeters -- into the Arctic Sea. Formery 10 feet tall, the pole now stands only nine feet 10 inches above the ice, making it a bit harder for tourists to find.
The members stared at the pictures in disbelief as Mentiro added, “And, gentlemen, according to my calculations, by the end of this century the pole will have completely disappeared.”
The room was deadly silent for a minute as the members sat stunned and motionless. Finally, Jack Smith, president of the society, jumped up. “This is a catastrophe,” he said, “we must do something. We can't just let the north pole slip into the sea. It would disorient the whole world. Compasses would stop working. Time zones would be distorted.”
A this point Otto Rasnanavich, the Russian representative at the meeting, stood and spoke. “Relax, gentleman. There is no way a couple photographs can prove a five-centimeter change. It would require a sidereal sighting with an electron sextant to measure that small a change.”
Mentiro, who had spent 30 years researching the Arctic and carries facial scars from a polar bear attack, rose and glared at Rasnanavich. “Are you calling my a liar?” he growled.
“Of course not,” replied the Russian, “just mistaken. I think my colleague has spent too much time in the Arctic and has gone round the bend.”
Smith pounded the gavel for order as Mentiro attacked Rasnanavich and knocked him to the floor. The meeting ended with a fist fight and members calling for a vote.
Mentiro's claim is being studied by scientists around the world, but the general consensus is that Mentiro is a crackpot and would be better off taking up boxing. Rasnanavich is in the hospital with a broken jaw.