I was talking with a friend of mine last night, a woman friendly to the poly community but to whom polyamory isn't essential for her happiness. She's recently started seeing someone in a monogamous way, and the two of them had dinner with friends of hers who live the poly lifestyle to the fullest. The gentleman in question, the one dating my friend, was new to this world, and afterwards had one major comment.
"She was talking about these other people she sleeps with, and it didn't bother him at all!"
"Yes dear," my friend replied. "That's sort of what polyamory is."
The first question that comes up when introducing poly to the uninitiated is almost always, "But don't you get jealous?" It's such a common topic in poly discourse that countless articles have already been written about it. The general party line on this question sums up to this: yes, many poly people are capable of experiencing jealousy. Some lucky ones don't ever experience it. But it does come up for many people, and it is a primal emotion that needs to be dealt with.
Into this dialogue there also enter questions of jealousy versus envy, momentary jealousy versus chronic jealousy, jealousy that is indicative of insecurity versus indicative of a real relationship problem, and of course, the overwhelming presence of jealousy as a concept that informs mainstream and popular culture.
The first trick is figuring out what jealousy actually is. I asked several local people, monogamous and poly, to weigh in on this topic. This article will explore the difference between "jealousy" and its kissing cousin, "envy."
GS (pseudonyms will be used throughout to protect the speakers' identities) defines the two this way: "Envy - 'you have something and I want it too!' Jealousy - 'You have something and I want it and I want you not to have it.'" F, a poly-friendly monogamous woman, added something similar. "For me, jealousy is 'you did something fun with THEM and not ME!' whereas envy is 'you did something fun! Wish I did.'" Serolynne, in her article linked above, adds that jealousy involves the fear of losing something you already have, versus wishing you had something that someone else has.
In these examples, both envy and jealousy are seen as problematic, but jealousy is the greater evil. "I don't feel jealousy," says F. "You wanna do something fun, go for it! But if you go have fun and I'm home washing the dishes, I'll wish I had fun plans too." GS admits to feeling jealousy sometimes, but "I don't think of jealousy as valid. I see it as a failing in myself. So I fume and sulk and rage inwardly but I try hard not to let anyone even know it is happening....Jealousy is my problem." But, he adds, "Envy alone can make me plenty bitter if I let it." The idea that someone you care for could be enjoying something in which you cannot or aren't permitted to partake can result in resentment, even if you don't actually want to take that thing away from your partner. In fact, envy - once thought of as one of the deadly sins - could be said to be the opposite of compersion: the happiness one experiences at seeing one's partner happy with someone else.
Envy, then, can be insidious, and should be discussed when it comes up. It's subtly different, though, from jealousy, which can often be more damaging. Envy, for example, might cause me to feel bad if my partner has been out dancing with his girlfriend while I've been home cleaning the bathroom. I'm sure my own husband feels it at times, since with my flexible schedule I'm sometimes able to spend day time with my boyfriend, while my husband is plugging away at work. But usually a simple acknowledgment of the feeling, followed by some quality time together, is enough to make it feel better.
With jealousy, if left unchecked, resentment can fester and cause damage to the relationship. If I'm constantly fearing that my partner will leave me for someone else, I'm going to become a very difficult person to have a relationship with. F reports, "When I was dating a very jealous partner...I assumed it was that he didn't feel secure in my affection and I ramped up my affection, but in the end any amount of attention I spent on another man (including dancing and more basically, conversation) was unacceptable." In the end, she had to end the relationship. "I felt perfectly fine raising one man above the rest," she says, "but I could not stop interacting with half of the human race."
Most folks I talked to agreed that the way they experience jealousy is in the form of insecurity, and that communication, as is the usual recommendation in any relationship, helps. "Once I started equating jealousy with insecurity, it's all been a lot easier to manage," says Xtina, a poly woman in several concurrent relationships. "It becomes not their problem but mine, and a mild one at that. It transforms from 'I'm going to lose my partner to this other person, doom!' to 'I'm feeling insecure, so extra snuggles will help.' Way, way, way more manageable." In short, the sense that "jealousy is my problem, not my partner's" comes up over and over again, and the chief way of dealing with it is to get reassurance.
Without this reassurance, however, jealousy can have a corrosive effect, and it is key to talk to your partner whether what you're feeling is the envy of wishing you had a new relationship, or the jealousy of fearing you'll lose your partner to that new relationship.
Jealousy, then, as opposed to envy, is often seen as irrational. But irrational or no, it can sometimes be a warning sign that heralds real problems. In part 2, I'll discuss the dangers of jealousy and the weight of its influence in our culture. In part 3, I'll explore how jealousy can act as an early alarm system for a relationship in trouble.
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