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Online dating "no-no's" for men

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Online dating sites are everywhere these days. While some people have become quite savvy at using them as another tool in their dating toolbox – others struggle.

Here are some helpful hints as to why your online ad may not be attracting what you are looking for.

  1. Pictures of you half-naked and you aren’t on the beach. Especially those pictures of you half-naked with a box of tissues nearby.
  2. Pictures of you in your messy, dirty, nasty house/apartment/mobile home behind you. Worst still: you, half-naked in your messy, dirty, stained, nasty bathroom taking selfies.
  3. Pictures of you and all your drinking buddies drinking. Pictures of you at various bars/clubs drinking. Pictures of you at home drinking. You have a problem – get help.
  4. Pictures of you and all your ex(es). You have dated before. We get it. But leave comparative analysis out.
  5. Pictures of you and your ex(es) blurred/crossed/scribbled out. Is this really the best you could do?
  6. Lots of pictures of you and your 4-wheelin’-gun-rack-havin’-antler-mounted-big-ass truck. You have a truck. A really big, big truck. A really, big, big, big, truck. We will try to leave comparative analysis out – no promises.
  7. Pictures of you in front of some very expensive sports car – which likely isn’t yours so why bother? Just don’t complain when the gold-diggers you meet dump you when they realize you were simply posing in front of the dealership.
  8. Pictures of you and all the dead animals you have hunted. Hunting = your choice. Thinking lots of pictures of dead animals will attract anything but vampires = poor choice.
  9. Pictures of you and your cat(s). LOTS of pictures of you and your cat(s).
  10. Captions on the pictures of you and your cat(s) like “My little Muffin is the love of my life!” or “I can’t sleep unless Mr. Cuddles is lying next to me,” or any other overly intimate comments about you and your close personal relationship with your cat(s). May I suggest you get out of the house and try and build some close personal relationships with your own species?
  11. Pictures of you and your slobbering dog(s). On your slobber-stained furniture, wearing your slobber-stained shirt kissing your slobbering dog(s). Enough said.
  12. Pictures of you kissing any small rodent animals. No. Never. Period.
  13. Pictures of you and all the half-naked women at the clubs. Lots of pictures of you and all the half-naked women at the clubs. Date them. Not us.
  14. Pictures of you in your (dingy, dirty or otherwise) underwear and/or g-string. Nasty. Just nasty.
  15. No info about you on your profile. No picture. No comment. Nothing. Nada.
  16. No info about you on your profile. No picture. No comment. Nothing. Nada. Then asking us to tell you more and send more pictures.
  17. Sending a message saying only “hi”, “yo”, or “hey”. And no info about you on your profile. No picture. No comment. Nothing. Nada.
  18. Pictures of you from 1977. Because the huge collars on your shirt aren’t obvious enough – the Starsky & Hutch hairdo is.
  19. Using “Mr69” or “CumDoctor” or any other stupid, sexually inappropriate title as your member name, or in your profile to describe you or what you think we are looking for. Nobody wants to date Ron Jeremy. Nobody.
  20. Trashing your ex(es) online. Because we all want to sign up to be your next scapegoat editorial. Not.
  21. Trashing all the women you have met, calling them degrading names, being bitter because you just can’t find a “good woman.” Ever heard of introspection? Try it.
  22. Describing your “ideal” mate as a Victoria’s Secret model and you look like Larry the Cable Guy. Reality check gentlemen.
  23. Bad grammar, poor spelling or “text” spelling: “ur g8t!” Go to the library. Find a book. Read it.
  24. Bragging about your Herculean sexual drive, stamina and skills. Blah blah. We have never heard that before. Right. Take a number and sit down.
  25. Pictures of you in shirts without sleeves and you aren’t at the gym. Unless you are a member of Duran Duran and its 1985 – let it go.
  26. Looking for a lady who likes to "dress up in high-heels and wear lingerie" and you "live in old jeans and a t-shirt."
  27. Listing your favorite activities as “huntin’, fishin’, watchin’ sports, drinkin’.” I would bet you are single because your ex got tired of all your huntin’, fishin’, watchin’ sports, and drinkin? Just sayin’.
  28. Thinking “long walks on the beach” is original. Really. It isn’t. Not ever. Especially when you live in a land-locked state and have never traveled to the ocean.
  29. Emailing us on the site and never asking for our personal email address to get off the site. FYI – chat rooms are so old school.
  30. Emailing us at our personal email address but never asking for our phone number. Are we blogging now?
  31. Asking for our phone number but never asking to meet personally. Love the movie “her” – good luck with that.
  32. Asking for our phone number and sexting without mutual agreement. That just makes you the creepy online guy.
  33. Asking for our phone number & sending a picture of your Johnson. Because somewhere in your fantasy world women will actually fall at your feet over seeing your man package? Never. Ever. Ever. That just makes you the VERY VERY creepy online guy.
  34. Being racist, misogynistic, abusive and/or ignorant.
  35. Being on a singles site and you are married. There are special kinds of sites for you folks. Go there.
  36. And finally, presenting anything but the truth in your ad. You can’t be loved if what you are presenting isn’t really “you.”

Let me know if I missed anything ladies....and gents.

Happy dating everyone!