Once upon a marriage

Your wedding was not the event of the century and your honeymoon was over before dessert on the sixth date. Your personalities clashed, the distrust started early on, and you never considered each other a friend. Your husband was offended when you laughed while watching Mrs. Doubtfire and recoiled at the line in When Harry Met Sally: ”Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over whose gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE”. He walked out of the room when Harry Burns from When Harry Met Sally blurted out: “Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours”.

Your first child was both a joy and a distraction. The love flowed through this bundle of pink. The gifts poured in and the baby slept in your bed for 2 years. You swept so much disgust under the rug that your cleaning lady thought the dog was hiding. Your husband handled his disgust in more creative ways: road trips with his buddies, longer than usual nights at the office, silent meditation retreats where phones were taboo, and he kept his desk locked. But you both persevered and sometimes “the good times flowed”. Both of you were really hoping the marriage would last.

Your second joy cemented the relationship or at least the eventual child support, three can’t live as cheaply as two. The fights got louder, four letter words were the vernacular of choice, someone threw a wine glass across the room, the kids cried more, the animosity was apparent to your friends, and your family’s words of wisdom were “I told you so”. But you persevered, bought a new house, attended Open House at school together, took vacations, and the family photo albums overflowed with pictures of what appeared to be a happy family. Maybe you really were. Guilt ran rampant, at least yours. Finger pointing was his MO. Both of you were really hoping the marriage would last.

It finally busted up. How could it not? You were never friends in the first place and hoping does not trump much needed skills to hold a marriage together. There was talk, there were threats, there was therapy, and there was complete disbelief when one day a moving van pulls up to take his clothes and a few personal items. The kids were at school and the onus was on you to explain that at 2:30 p.m. Daddy moved out. Your youngest hid in his empty closet and was embarrassed to go to school the next day. Your oldest announced it to everyone, further mortifying her younger sibling.

The legal firm of “That’s Mine, This is Yours”, When Harry Met Sally, had a field day. You went 20 rounds over who gets the kids, each claiming the other one unfit, and another 10 rounds because the Prenuptial was iron clad. Money will be tight, and the kids know that you live in fear and under Dad’s thumb. People took sides, people still take sides regardless of how many years pass.

Things get complicated, as if they weren’t already, when wife number two, miraculously appears within months of the divorce and brings her brood. The blood flows. The accusations fly. The jealousy and need for Dad’s attention does not fare well with the new wife. And the blame always goes back to Mom. The mumblings are within earshot of the children. Then the children take sides.

Dad's visitation, at times, becomes a knock down, drag out fight to get the children out the door, secretly pleasing Mom who keeps a diary of all his wrongdoings. Once again, Dad is much more creative, enlisting the neighbors to listen for yelling and screaming, and report back as to Mom's fitness. Both of you quiz the kids on what is happening in the other house.

Birthdays and holidays are always a challenge. Birthdays usually go unscathed unless someone is left out. Holidays and vacations go strictly by the book, the 33 page document that will haunt you the rest of your life, where the language is tedious and no one can figure out who gets which week which year, resulting in power struggles all their own.

Each child handles divorce in different ways. The younger the child is, the less a memory of both parents together. Is that a blessings or a curse? One may not want to talk at all and feels the stigma too hard to handle since all his friends have intact families. Behaviors call for anger management, and rage is taken out on Mom in the teen years. The other tells all, perhaps if everyone knows then somewhere out there, there will be strength in numbers, buries herself in her books, and develops an eating disorder.

The various therapists in town have their own take. He who hires the “shrink“ has the home court advantage. It takes a real professional, with a lifetime of experience under his or her belt, not to be biased and offer the best insight possible.

Years pass, the animosity subsides and intensifies depending on the cost of support payments. More times than not they are hand delivered by the kids along with messages scribbled on pieces of paper, which are usually some form of veiled threat. Each of you park down the street when picking the kids up from the other’s house, making the kids drag their belongings.

In most cases there is a disparity in lifestyle. Mom ends up downsizing several times and Dad redoes the bathrooms several times. The kids catch on quickly, he who has the most money wins, or at least does not bear the brunt of disrespect, tantrums, overt blame, and rage. Although, they look to Mom when they’re sick, want a ride, need a good night’s sleep, sign a report card, or when an important date needs to be remembered.

One day, the youngest, now in high school, comes to you and says, “The divorce really messed me up, I think you need to see someone for your anxiety, and I’m moving to Dad’s”, secretly pleasing Dad and Step-mom, possibly the mumblings paid off. Your oldest no longer wants to hear “it”, tells you when she looks back on her childhood all she remembers is fighting. She decides spending the summer at college is more peaceful than coming home, and no longer believes in marriage.

Then the kids become the parents, long before you are old, and insist you ‘get a life’, it will make them feel less guilty.

You look back on the last twenty or so years, live with the guilt of knowing you hurt the two people you love most in the world, and the lessons are as clear as day.

The moral of the story is:

Do not put the kids in the middle. Do not use them as pawns in a power struggle. Do not dump your problems on them. Do not let them know how little money you have. Take the high road and praise their father for all that he does. Do not disparage his wife or girlfriend to him or anyone else. Do not let the kids hear you fighting with him on the phone. Neither parent should threaten to pull custody, children have a divine right to love and live with both parents.

For the dad’s out there, the best advice is, if you love your kids then be good to their mother. It costs less in the long run, literally and figuratively.

For both parents, treat the other with respect, it’s not about you as much as it’s about the kids. Encourage time with the other parent. You want your kids to learn by example rather than live your dysfunction. If you can’t show them the true meaning of friendship then show them the grace and civility you each deserve as human beings.

In the midst of the pain, confusion, and anguish in those early days well meaning friends and relatives become the voice of reason. “Find a Family Attorney.” But where do you find one? Word of mouth, if you have friends who are divorced with kids, or friends of friends, the Los Angeles Bar Association, the Beverly Hills Bar Association, the Internet, and the Yellow Pages, are all possible sources.

An initial consultation is a good way to see if a particular lawyer is a good match, financially and, sadly, as a worthy opponent against your spouse’s attorney. Hopefully everyone is reasonable enough to settle out of court. Prepare a list of questions, include pertinent information such as prenuptial agreements, combined assets, salaries, income tax information, to give the attorney an idea of whether it is a complicated case or not. Listen carefully and it is not necessary to make a decision on the spot. All attorneys will require a signed retainer agreement and fee to start proceedings.

Legal Aid is another resource if there is no money to hire a private attorney and if there is domestic violence in the home.

There is life after divorce. It does take time. It can take years. It will be different. Everything changes.

After the dust has settled, look inside yourself, find the You who got lost along the way, and admit what mistakes you made that contributed to the break-up of the marriage. It does take two.