This article was written by Christie LeBlanc, PhD, a clinical psychologist from San Francisco, CA. It was reprinted with her permission.
As a clinical psychologist, I have studied a myriad of ways to improve people's emotional well-being. Generally, this means relative freedom from depression and anxiety, pursuing realistic goals, establishing and maintaining healthy relationships, and having an emotionally rich and generally positive inner life. I place a special emphasis on the need to meet the most basic social needs and goods we have evolved to desire or value such as closeness and intimacy, trust, loyalty, confidence, other's respect and high regard, and the ability to put our energy into useful, reachable yet challenging goals that will bring us happiness and self-esteem.
Recently, I have been reading some of the writings of the Stoic philosophers such as Seneca and Epictetus, and re-learning some of the cognitive psychology principles many of our more modern thinkers such as Albert Ellis turned to when forming their theories about how to better our moods through changing our thought patterns.
Many of us spend a lot of time and energy worrying about and perseverating on things that are beyond our own control. We bristle at unfairness, and try and think of ways to make others see the error of their ways. We think that if we can just come up with the right explanation or use the right words we will be able to convince others to see things our way. When in the midst of an argument, we focus on trying to advocate for our own points of view and rarely truly open our minds up to the other person's words. Each of us come to adulthood with differences in our genetic make-ups, up-bringings, influences, experiences, beliefs and biases and we approach each interaction with these self-parts intact and ready to spring into action, to prove them and thus, ourselves, right. Epictetus implores us to instead choose to worry only about our own actions and words, and goes as far as to recommend that "when any person harms you, or speaks badly or you, remember that he acts or speaks from a supposition of its being his duty. Now, it is not possible that he should follow what appears right to you, but what appears so to himself. Therefore, if he judges from a wrong appearance, he is the person hurt, since he too is the person deceived. For if anyone should suppose a true supposition to be false, the proposition is not hurt, but he who is deceived about it. Setting out, then, from these principles, you will meekly bear a person who reviles you, for you will say upon every occasion, "It seemed so to him." "
The Twelve-Step programs are using the Stoic's teachings when they repeat the mantra, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
There is a large emphasis on freedom in Stoicism. A truly free person is free not only from shackles or debt, he or she free in their own minds from the disturbances caused by constantly banging their heads against the wall in attempts to change or persuade others. We have extreme difficulty tolerating criticism, especially when it is unwarranted and given in a vicious manner. Epictetus exhorts us thus: "If a person gave your body to any stranger he met on his way, you would certainly be angry. And do you feel no shame in handing over your own mind to be confused and mystified by anyone who happens to verbally attack you?"
Putting these principles into practice, however, can be very challenging. It is a natural response to want to right wrongs, to defend yourself against verbal attacks, and to try to get others to change their minds. The problem is we then end up spending all our time and energy thinking about what's wrong with others and trying to change them. These are wastes of time and energy. Imagine how much of both would be freed up if we weren't so concerned about what others are doing "wrong" and reflected with honesty and insightfulness on how to better ourselves instead. If our example then influences others, we may have a chance at improving them as well.
The Stoics claim that if we have no control over something, we should be ready at all times to say, "it is nothing to me." They often use the extreme example of grief over the loss of a child. They would say that since the child's life is not under your control, but under that of the "gods" or fate (or, anything that is outside of our ability to influence), the parent should refrain from grieving. I can't quite agree with them on that one, since I think that it is simply impossible not to mourn someone you love, particularly your own child, but their greater point holds true. By constantly putting our energy into things beyond our influence we waste time and lose out on those things that we can influence, such as our child's happiness while he lives. Some parents, for example, worry endlessly and needlessly about the safety of their children even when the child is not in their direct care. We've all had the urge to put a leash on our kids but usually prioritize the child's ability to learn independence and safe practices through example and discipline.
Stoicism prizes peace of mind and tranquility above all. In order to achieve tranquility, they argue that we need to put aside our foolish worries, endless griping, and attempts to control others, for these will lead us to frustration and anxiety. Rather, we should spend our energies engaging in self-improvement and performing our duties, and living honorably by accepting as calmly as possible the challenges that greet us. Unless we can do something to change it, move along to the next thing. There is always something else to do that is more amenable to our influence: we can always go do the laundry, creating cleanliness in our homes and wearable clothes for ourselves and our families, kiss our husbands, to increase intimacy, work toward an academic goal, to better enjoy our career, enjoy the tranquility of nature, to calm the mind, or read to our kids every night to instill love of the written word.
[This article was first published at divinecaroline]
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