One area I think we tend over look are the stressors that come with blended families and raising others children. But what about step grand-parenting, are there stressors there. Especially when the child and grand-parents are brought together if the child were older.
The stressors would be minimal if they were brought together at the child’s infancy. Here is a point of view I read from Kim Fendrick, “Becoming a grandparent is exciting and challenging. Becoming a step-grandparent is equally exciting, but is often more challenging.
Kim Fendrick, a clinical social workerin Haddonfield, N.J., is the biological grandparent of four, and the step-grandparent of three. Fendrick says the relationship a grandparent has with biological grandchildren is often less stressful, because the grandparent has an existing, lifelong connection to one of the child's parents.
"With my daughter I can get into an argument," she says, laughing. "And with biological grandchildren you tend to push the envelope and say, 'Aw, c'mon, give me a kiss,' in a way that you might not with a step-grandchild.” I never really thought of the possible stressors that come with that new relationship.
I guess as young parents we may tend to think that our parents are pros at raising kids and it should just come natural to them. But what if the introduction goes like this, “Hey mom and dad here is your new 10yr old grandson.” That sounds like it should bring on some stress for them and the child.
They know nothing about the child’s, likes; dislikes, are they sensitive and cry easy. I say that because I know some older generation men that have a problem with “cry babies” and whine just as much about the kid and their whining. I think thats where the stressors overlap with parents, if they do not share the same attitudes and beliefs about raising a child.
Some older folk still believe that kids are to be seen and not heard, major distorting thinking. My wife and I have raised our kids to have a voice and I am not sure ever one agrees with that concept.
Our children are allowed to express their opinions, does not make them right, but they can and yes we do get the final say. I think my in-laws struggle with that theory from time to time, not sure. Grand-parenting someone else’s kids has to be hard, I agree, but all parties involved should have the conversation about what is ok.
I will say this, if my children are at grandma’s house they will need to abide by their rules and if we have a difference of opinion we will have that talk away from the kids. Here is a little more of Kim’s thoughts, “When a grown child marries someone who already has children, Fendrick says, they all need time to get used to one another, to adapt to different ways of doing things, and to become comfortable with their new situation.
Step-grandparents must be patient and not push children to welcome them. If all goes well, and adults work to build bridges between families, the children will come around soon enough. Fendrick's oldest step-grandchild was 7 when Fendrick's daughter married the girl's father, and the girl, understandably, "had the most loyalty issues."
When any child's parents divorce, the trust level of their children founders, Fendrick says. "She kept her guarda little bit," Fendrick says of her oldest step-grandchild. "She relates to her mother more than the younger ones do.” Now, on the flip side of that “Grandma’s rules at her house” thing, grandparent’s need to be supportive the rules in the parent’s house. When their parent or step parent is correcting or not please do not interject your thoughts and opinions.
Example, if the parent is allowing their child to express their thoughts or opinion’s you cannot interject and suggest that child needs to shut up and go to their room, not your place to do that. Some have asked why we allow our children to voice their thoughts and feelings. I say the answer lies within the question. Ever parent needs to know those things. Grand-parents, that’s also a good way to get to know that new step grand-child.
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