So here's an early Christmas present for all y'all particle physics peeps out there...
For the first time in, well, ever, the Higgs boson - the Rolls Royce of mass-embuing theoretical particles - may have just reared its hypothetical, hotly debated little head.
Heavy emphasis on 'may'.
Giddy scientists at Switzerland's CERN facility - ground zero for the terrifyingly ambitious Large Hadron Collider project - held a seminar / champagne-fuelled blowout earlier today to drop a nerd-rallying bombshell. Two separate experiments at the facility, codenamed 'Atlas' and 'CMS' respectively, have recorded interesting 'data spikes' at a similar charge - that charge being 124-125 gigaelectronvolts (GeV).
Could this be the first definitive proof of the Higgs boson's existence? And just two weeks after CERN's highly-publicized visit from Time Lord and advocate for chocolate restriction Eloi Cole?
CMS spokesman and possible prostitution ring organizer Guido Tonelli played it coy.
"The excess is most compatible with a Standard Model Higgs in the vicinity of 124 GeV and below, but the statistical significance is not large enough to say anything conclusive," he deadpanned.
Guido went on to add that "as of today, what we see is consistent either with a background fluctuation or with the presence of the boson," before presumably pumping his pimp fist in celebration.
"Oh yeah? So what?' You ask, necking down a lukewarm Bud Light and wiping the Cheetos dust from your keyboard. "What does this mean for an average schlub like me? I'm not one of these high-faluting particle perverts, dagnabbit."
Well, the kids are calling this thing the God Particle with good reason. It's theorised that the Higgs gives much-needed mass to, like, everything... even YOU. It's the ultimate building block, a secret key to understanding the Universe's greatest secrets. If discovered, the God Particle would easily become humanity's greatest scientific acheivment since the A-Bomb - and possibly much more destructive.
According to totally credible sources - including Clever Tony, this one guy with a few Chemistry credits my kid brother knows - the LHC's discovery of the Higgs boson could essentially tear up time and space, anger up a vengeful Yahweh, and even create a world-ending black hole or something.
Which all sounds possible enough to me. While there's still no official word on whether the eventual success of the Collider will herald the Second Coming of the Christ, I totally wouldn't be surprised.
I mean, should we really be messing around with Universal fundamentals here? It's like we broke into God's home office, and now we're going through all his drawers. I'll bet He's gonna be pissed.
While nothing has been set in stone just yet (the Higgs remains theoretical, for now) these egghead agitators in Swizerland - a country which has, until now, been mostly known for its breakthrough advancements in the field of cheese cultivation - are playing a dangerous game here.
But rest easy, Apocalypse fans. It's not all bad news. If the gang at the LHC somehow succeed in their accidental goal of wiping out the human race... I'll be the first to say 'I told you so.'
And that will certainly make me feel better about things.
There are now only 373 days until the End of the World *
* unless the Swiss kill us all first, of course.
Comments