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"Oh, Billy"

Ahh...the great outdoors!
Ahh...the great outdoors!
A&, Billy The Exterminator

If see you see a news clip about a crazed fan being detained at this weekend’s World of Wheels Auto Show, don’t worry; I am totally harmless. I am not going for the same reasons as most of the car fanatics who will be flocking into Bartle Hall. I am going for Billy and no, that’s not my husband’s name, his name is Mike. Mike is somewhat aware of my interest in Billy the Exterminator, but he does not know that this budding interest has started to morph into an acute infatuation.

Admittedly, the brazenly ridiculous combo of his spiky mullet, cowboy hat, leather pants, “Axel Rose style boots” and spiked, fingerless, leather gloves, initially, captured my attention. Hey, it takes a truckload of confidence and perhaps, a small brain injury to dress like the love child of David Lee Roth and Dolly Parton and then hunt “varmints” in the soggy Deep South. A superhero-on-acid façade is not enough to keep my interest piqued; there needs to be much more to truly capture my attention.

After watching a couple episodes of Billy the Exterminator on A&E, he quickly made the coveted DVR recording list. The “beaver episode” still remains one of my all time favorites. Billy visits a beautiful Louisiana lakeside property that has been taken over by a very busy beaver. The downed and falling trees were not just a nuisance; they were also potentially deadly. A weakened tree could fall without warning on the home or its owner. As Billy tracked the beaver’s trail, he contemplated whether it would be better to set a trap or to just use the “element of surprise” and wrestle the creature into submission. This “Darwin-istic” style of thinking had me and the kids on the edge of our seats. I was afraid this episode might have turned into one of those “teachable moments,” where you turn and tell your children why “so-and-so” lost an eye or worse, died. All I can say is, “thank God he chose the trap.”

Billy, as his mother, Donnie, would probably tell you, is a “total package.” Sometimes a total package can be too much to handle. Billy’s marital problems are often the backdrop of several episodes, creating the perfect melodrama that many women seek in a decent evening program, while men enjoy the crazy antics of the Vexcon crew (Billy’s company’s name).

Did I mention he’s great with kids? My kids love him. Billy’s daily quest to eradicate pests is part “Mission Impossible” and part the “Secret Lives of Cockroaches.” My kids actually cruise the A&E show time listings for Billy, before clicking over to Cartoon Network. In addition to being addictively entertaining, viewers actually learn potentially useful information, aside from how to be a snazzy dresser. I hope to never come face to face with any of the offenders Billy and his brother Rick have done battle with, especially the rattle snakes and the cockroaches. Oh lord, the cockroaches…Eeeeewwwww!!! That episode still makes my skin crawl! Still, learning how these things live and infest a home was incredibly interesting.

I hope I don’t get all “star struck” when I finally make my way to the front of Billy’s “meet-and-greet” line. I have lots to ask him, although not much of it is related to pest control. I am more interested in who does his wardrobe (Slash)? What kind of hair spray does he use (Aqua Net)? Do people ever stage a pest problem in order to utilize his services? Boxers or briefs; and most importantly, metal or country? Wish me luck.


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